The heart is behind the breast

I lost it today. Before I had my baby and truly appreciated all that breastfeeding brought to my life just even from an emotional aspect, I had NO IDEA what women were talking about, using words like "sad" when describing their weaning experience.

I'm not sad....I'm certifiable. Someone should lock me up. I actually got upset with Livi tonight for rejecting me and let her cry in her crib for a while.....walking away angry, frustrated and feeling rejected of all stupid things. It wasn't long before she was in my arms again but the whole thing was just not very mature. Even though she still nurses alot during the night, she has been weaning herself VERY gradually from her daytime feedings. Starting with keeping all her feedings but only one breast, to cutting down some feedings all together, to now....not taking the breast at all as part of her night time routine. That shocked me and left me helpless. She's crying, frustrated that on one hand, something is missing at the moment, but on the other, she is rolling away from me on the bed where we read a book and nurse before sleep. We were both very upset. That's when I, being more of a child than she is, tried to force the feed and sulked when I didn't get my way. Sorry Livi...mommy needs to get a grip.

Breastfeeding to every mother is as individual as the people and the babies themselves. No one will ever feel about it or have the same experience as anyone else. More importantly, I have learned, to never judge. From women who prefer not to breastfeed to those who do so until preschool....it's no one's business. Livi is cutting me off.....not the other way around. I don't think I would ever be able to do it. I feared her being weaned as a natural consequence to me being back at work later on....it looks like I may not have to worry about that.

There is one shred of hope. Something I've noticed.....Livi backs off from nursing when I have my period.....she must sense the hormonal shift and does not like it as much. I went on the pill today. It hit me like a tonne of Tampax. I went on the pill in the middle of my cycle to alter my period time......I am hoping she picked up on the hormone and got turned off because of it. Her rejection today was much stronger than in recent days.....and her cutting back is usually way more gradual than this.

Here's hoping to a night of nursing as usual and to a better tomorrow....pill free....it's not worth it to me. Heavy periods or not.....during two upcoming vacations....who cares. Women all over the world do it...I bet someone will be having their period at the Oscars....I'll be fine. I'm not ready to lose some of my favorite moments with her just so I don't have to attend to my secret purse compartment at the airport.

The wonder of breastfeeding is hard to describe. I think we get caught up in the words "breast" and "feeding" and can't see it for what it is.....at least to me. It's more than just the nutrition of the milk for her, the peace we feel, the relaxation after a busy day or the grace of feeling her fall asleep. It's the surrender...the vulnerability of it. That feeling that only her and I know....it's ours. And I'm not ready to let it go even though she is. At 10 months, he has a mind and life of her own. My first hard truth as a mother.