Sibling Rivalry

Thank you for cheering our 'normal' little Diiorio!!

One more thing I never expected on this IVF train - the sibling detour. Goldie asked me a good question on my previous post that has been on my mind. Dr. M pointed out to me that I might want to consider doing one more cycle before the transfer of our little Diiorio in Denver, so as to ensure that there will be a sibling. Either now in the form of twins, or later as a frozen transfer. The idea is to create more embryos now with my 39-40 year old eggs, rather than later, with 41-42 year old eggs once this baby is 12 months or so. That would be a good plan, except:

1) we've waited two and a half years through trials and tribulations to get pregnant and don't want to wait anymore. Another cycle would take a few months to do it well.
2) we should see how we feel about having another child after this one comes, and if we're really ready for another one and it's meant to be, my eggs will cooperate
3) what if this one becomes identical twins? No need for a sibling!
4) if this one doesn't take, we'll have no choice but to cycle again so why not see what happens first
5) most importantly, we both feel like pausing this transfer for another cycle is a detour from what we really want to do.
6) Stef has lost all patience with this process (what? He didn't get a needle in the ass once!)

So that's the decision about our embryo bank....I did this post more for me than anyone...as I can't handle the fear of regret and needed to get the reasons down on paper. Or 'screen' I should say.

For my IVF gals who've had a FET
I have a choice of progesterone support. Suppositories or injection. Thoughts? I would do the once a day suppositories but heard the injections are more effective ?

AND THE WINNER IS........

My shinning star!!! WE HAVE A GENETICALLY NORMAL BLASTOCYST!!!

Right in the middle of my daily stress out about the state of our blast, wondering how I'll make it through another week or two, I get a call from my doctor in Denver. I couldn't believe it was her on the phone. I instantly knew what it was about and tried to read her tone even before she told me. All I know is there were much too many words before I heard the word "NORMAL". Even then I had to hear it a few times for it to sink in. This means....we are in the running to start a family and according to their statistics, with this quality of a blast at my age, I have a 64% chance of pregnancy and a 60% chance of carrying this baby to term. You may think those aren't the best odds...but let me tell you....at my age and with IVF.....those are fantastic odds!

Recap for my non-IVF followers: This was big. Really big. This phone call could have resulted in this being over. According to some records I saw on an IVF forum, there is absolutely no guarantee, that just because an embryo lives to day 5 (now termed a blastocyst, or blast) it does not mean it is genetically normal. In a normally fertile,  non-IVF woman, a genetically abnormal embryo is lost with a period or is miscarried, or sometimes born as a child with abnormalities. In IVF, and for $7000, you can find out if it is normal or not, and up to HALF of them are not. So, it could have gone either way. They would not have given me an abnormal blast, and we would be finished. We both had a good feeling about this, but I took nothing for granted.

Recap for my IVF gals : get this...if you recall, there was one egg that matured over night, ICSIed the next day and fertilized. Last week, the embryologist told me that, that one in particular was 'poor quality' at day 5 so they didn't save it. Dr. M just told me that they genetically tested it anyway....it was normal!! she assured me it would never have attached because of how delayed it was, but it was of good quality on day 3! This tells her that should there be another cycle, she is confident we could do a fresh day 3 transfer. Also, I asked her about my procol. She admited that the high dose of Gonal-f backfired in my case. There are two procols she could have used on me and flipped a coin. Now that she knows this one did not optimize my follicles, she would use an estrogen based one next time, designed to stimulate small follicles early. Hopefully the only need to cycle again will be for a sibling!!

Whats up next: We are going to eat and relax in Italy and we will go get our little star in the summer.

I feel, now more than ever, that this shinning star will start our family. I am still reeling from my strong premonition of two kids being dislodged. I am greatful to have the opportunity to bring this one into this world.....and starting to appreciate that when it comes to having kids, IVF or not, nothing should be predicted, assumed, or taken for granted.

Has anyone seen my mind?

I have not really been one to wine to people about feeling down, and I know better than to do that on an infertility blog where my followers have suffered multiple miscarriages and failed cycles. I'm better with coming to my friends with an actuall issue to analize, narrow in on and attack with new outlooks, attitudes and solutions. I don't really have one. I wish I could say it was the waiting for the genetic testing, more than two years of this, letting go of having  boy/girl twins ( I saw their faces in my dreams), having only one shot at having a child of our own flesh and blood (depending on genetic testing of course) , not being ready for plan B to be child free like we've always agreed on, the dramatic fluctuations of hormones, or the lately not-so-strict-low-carb diet in preparation for Italy in exactly three weeks tomorrow (OMG). I do know this:

I have lost my mind. I desperately want to open up an alcohol swab and take in that smell of preparing for an injection. I would do it, but then I'd have to have myself checked in. I miss the feeling of doing something about this, even if it freaking truly is sticking a sharp object into myself, for the love of God. I miss being engaged in my life, where very second was one closer to getting on the plane to Denver. 

And if I hear more story about some couple who who went for IVF twice and it didn't work and then they got pregnant on their own....I'll freak right out. What part of "blockage" don't they get. I just politely smile.....listen to the SECOND time they tell me the same freaking story, and say again..."well, that's nice for them, but that will never be us, you see, WE CANT HAVE KIDS!!!! it's not that we are having trouble, or it's unexplained, or IVF is a way to speed up the process, no, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!. Why don't people get that.

The best advice so far has been the ever simple and forever resignating: "what is meant to be, will be". I have always believed in destiny before.....that's been a challenge lately.

My hubby tried to cheer me up by insisting to take me to the premier of "RIO", a 3D animated Parrot movie. He supports his "bird lady" wife by loving her birds (that took two years and an awesome lovebird "Chico") and becoming somewhat of a bird lover himself. Oh good...just what I needed....a tear jerking movie about birds in a theater full of little kids. Good movie, but because we have a parrot we found it sad. I came home and woke up my parrot to apologize for contributing to the parrot trade and ripping him away from his natural habitat. I don't cage my birds and they are fully flighted, but still. I don't get how people think it's OK to keep something that flies in a cage with it's wings clipped. Because the pet stores do? We're the animals.

I call our one blast "my shining star". Why? In our last cycle in Calgary, 3/8 embryos made it to day 3. A week ago in Denver, 4/4 embryos made it to day 3. Which tells me two things...we really did do better in Denver. The accupucture, swallowing an open fistfull of herbs everynight and the clinic itself improved our embryo count from 38% to 100%. The second thing it tells me, is that something happend on day 4. Eventhough they made it that far, all embryos died with the expection of this one. I hope it's because it wants to come home with us. That shinning star is the only light I carry right now.

What a Blast!

And that's what we have. ONE blast. Good quality, grade 5BB (5AA is best). We are thrilled that one made it to the blastocyst stage (day 5), because in Calgary, our relusts were bleak on day 3. That is why we went to CCRM - to increase our chances. We do have one chance, and we are greatful, although we were hoping not to have to sweat this hard with only one on board. I had a little grieving moment, as I always saw myself with twins. This process almost promises twins and I sure got that screwed into my head. Some say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.....so there must be a reason.

RECAP: Of the 8 eggs they took out, 6 were mature enough to fertilize. 4 actually fertilized, and of those 4, one special little Diiorio made it. It is now frozen, with one cell having been taken out for genetic testing before freezing.

WHAT'S COMING UP:   We chose to do genetic testing (Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening). This will be another nail biter - as it has been for the last two days. We are counting on this ONE blast to be normal....this is our only chance. They will let us know in 2-3 weeks. Providing it is, we will be going back to CCRM this summer for the transfer.

All day I lived with the fact that this phone call could end it all. Then I realized that if it doesn't, we are still a long ways away from becoming a family. But, one hurdle is over. And one baby is waiting for us. All along during this process, I've heard "it only takes one". One it is.

The More the Merrier!

I got a call from the lab this morning that of the two eggs they would try to mature invetro and fertilize, ONE! Fertilized! So now here is the status, as far as we know:

3 fertilized on day 1
1 may have fertilized on day 1 but slowly...they will check on day 3
1 more fertilized on day 2!

The embryologist, Katlynn, told me that I will not get another call until they can tell me the big picture, which will be on Tuesday because of the late bloomer yesterday. So I will give an update then. No news is good news until then.

So we are pulling for 4, possibly 5 little Diiorios. We hope that with my free spirit, Stef's "Iron Man" will, and the help of CCRM's world class lab, the chosen one(s) will find their way into our lives.

Fertilization update

Hi everyone! Thanks for the touching comments and emails and caring support. We're on our way out so a quick update from the lab at CCRM. Robin, an embryologist there called to tell me that:

Of the 8 eggs they took out, they worked with 5 and 2 more are being watched for maturity.
Of they 5 they tried to fertize, 3 got fertilized and a fourth one they will check on at day 3
Of the two eggs they are watching for maturity, they will try to fertilize today.

So we have 3 embryos for sure right now. We chose to go ahead with day 5 genetic testing, so let's really pull for these 3 little Diiorios.

Gr8 Rerieval

As I lay here dosy, in my breezy, sunlight hotel room, I can't help but be flabbergasted at the difference between my two retrieval experiences, here and Calgary.

This morning, I was greeted by a kind nurse, Liz, who lead me from the two story, ultra-modern waiting room where Stef sat eating an apple, to the surgical area. She gave me a container to put all my belongings in, which in turn had all I would need for the procedure. My booties and a WARM gown and blanket. She then ushered me to my own, private pre-op room, where she helped me settle into my bed. Upon laying down, she proceeded to prep me for my IV which included light hearted chit chat and a hot towel wrapped around the arm in which the IV went. She used lidocane to numb my hand and made sure it didn't hurt. After being all hooked up and nowhere to go, Stef was brought in to keep me company and to meet the OR nurse, the anesthesiologist and Dr.G, who did the retrieval itself. When everyone was gone, I let him clip on the finger heart rate monitor. His heart rate was HALF that of mine. I guess that gives away who went running after pizza and ice cream the other day.

He called out loving cheers as the bed was wheeled into the OR. The last thing I remember was the lights on the OR ceiling and saying "am I already on something?" as I was sure the promised preliminary sedative to the anesthetic was kicking in. Not a second later, I swam up to the break of consciousness when the anathesiologist was making sure I'm awake. The next hour was spent in bliss, as a blanket, kept warm by hot air being blown into it, kept me cozy as nurses kept checking on me. Stef was at my bed side telling me how wonderful I looked. Maybe.....the fluids in the IV took 10 years off my face. As bliss melted to a groggy high, I was slowly assisted off the bed and onto a chair. I was shocked not to be bleeding. Liz kept shooting the IV with pain meds as the cramping started to hit. A sweet embryologist, Anne, came out to let us know that they got out 8 eggs!! And that all looks good on Stef's end. We will be notified of the progress of the little ones every morning. After some paper work, pop and crackers that Stef enjoyed, I was caringly wheeled outside. I got home and slept for 3 hours. We are now on the bed and looking for where to go eat because I can actually walk. If I wasn't a bit stoned, I would not know anything had happened to me.

In Calgary, the prep area was not private, the nurses were bitchy, the IV took 5 tries with no numbing, I was pumped with only a sedative that made me drift off while they set up the OR but was rudely woken by the doctor who told me not to jump when she stabs the needle through the viginl wall. I didn't jump, but I felt it - both times...along with everything else. The first embryologist was annoyed and the another one was rude. I bled profusely and was in pain for days and could not sit properly for three weeks. Same procedure.....but like butchers over there. There is no place like this clinic. I could not be happier or more impressed. We paid more, but I never knew that humanity costs money.

Trigger Happy

I'm gonna get a shot in the ass in 45 minutes. You IVFers know what I'm talking about. Yes! It's trigger night. For you non-IVFers, you may need more than that. 36 hours before we ovulate, our own bodies naturally trigger ovulation with the hCG hormone. It matures the egg and frees it from the follicle. During an IVF cycle though, a shot in the ass delivers the hCG hormone and the eggs are retieved 35 hours later, just an hour before they would come out on their own. That makes my retieval at 9 am on Tuesday. Just so glad I will be out for this one. I saw and felt everything in Calgary. Those people are butchers. Follie line up this morning was:

23, 22, 19,18,18,16.4, 12, 11.6, 11.5, 9, 8. Looks like 6, maybe 7 eggs. Guess what....two of them grew 4mm over night. That's crazy!! must have been the frozen Greek yogurt....I did go back for more...the follies told me to. So if more grow 4 mm over night, I might have 9 eggs. That would be awesome.

Stef is here !! he had an exhausting trip here so he's already sleeping. Not before going for pizza, ice cream and a bolw of popcorn back in our room which I brought home for him from the street market in Boulder. One of us is running tomorrow, and one of us is not. I'll let you figure that one out.

The timing of the retrieval is perfect...it let's Stef get settled in and get his bearings and gives my friend from Cali and I some time to catch up. I just hope I'm not woozy or throw up like last time after this shot.

I may not post again untill after the retrival. I will be so happy to drink coffee and wine again. Hopefully there will be champange in store for us at the end of the week!!

Where's the Party!

OK enough winning. Endless gratitude for all your support. I did have a tough day yesterday but I refused to do it again. As I finish my salad at the "White Chocolate Grill" in Park Meadows tonight, I reflect on the day. Here's how it went down. I got all glammed up and decided to hit Boulder after the clinic. Went for my daily appointment and here is today's follie line up:

21, 20, 17, 16.5, 15, 14.5, 11, 9, 8.5, 7, 6 (at >22 or <15 they are unusable)

So here's the weird part. All of the ones on the left overy grew the expected 2mm and all of the ones on the right did not budge, actually, they shrank. AND, we have two that showed up for the party, but very unsociably late. They will sit in the corner drinking Gonal wine, watching everyone else having fun on the drugs.

So here's some relief. Egg retrieval will not be on Monday YEY! Can't wait to get hubby at the airport tomorrow and show him what I got him today in Nederland. Oh Right....back to my day. I found the most amazing thing in Nederland....an insiration...and perhaps a little something to keep me going through all of this. They reconstructed an Carousel from 1910, put it in a building and now it's a museum with an indoor Carousel ride. For only a $1 per ride, I couldn't resist. I rode the Zebra. All three times. Between the second and third time, I visited their puppet room, upstairs in the attic. I was in heaven. I love those little cove attic rooms, and I told that to the little puppet on my hand. Hey, what happens in the puppet room, stays in the puppet room. Then one more ride on the Carousel. While I was gliding up and down, round and round, I felt like a kid and a mother all at the same time. It made me laugh and then cry and then laugh again. The name of the Carousel was "Carousel of Happiness". Then it dawned on me. Maybe I was brought here today to cheer my soul, or to bring me some solace in that magic attic room. Or maybe because there will be some happiness at the end of this little merry-go-round too.

Diary of an Egg Farmer

The perils of egg farming is that you drop and break some. And that's what may happen in my case. I have to admit that I pressured my doctor to put me on high doses of follicle stimulating meds in hopes of getting more eggs this time to mature. She did, and instead of getting more mature eggs, we got less eggs overall, some overcooked, and some raw. Sorry about that. Too tired for better imagery. Maybe the same result would have occured had I been on a different protocol, but here is the measurement of all the follicles (egg is inside each follicle) that they are tracking. These are in millimeters. They grow 2 millimeters per day, and I get an ovulation trigger shot when they are 20mm, and retrieval is at 22 mm, 36 hours later, before I actually ovulate. That's the point - egg retrieval, not egg hunt. Here are my follies, from largest to smallest

18.5, 18, 17.5, 16, 14.5, 13, 11, 10, 8

They have to be at least 15 mm by retrieval to get a decently mature egg. So if they grow 2 mm per day and my retrieval is on Monday morning, TWO days early, the line up is:

22.5, 22, 21.5, 21, 18.5, 17, 14, 12. So it looks like 5 eggs, maybe 6, as the first and last would be unusable. Dropped and broken.

We came to Denver to get a baby (or two), not neccessarily more eggs than in Calgary (8 there) . But one usually goes with the other. So this reality, along with having to dish out $500 to have Stef fly out here sooner, my friend from California coming on the day of the retrival for 'the visit of the century' and me feeling like superb shit, I had a little cry today. But talked to hubby and my friend E, who set me straight. All is better.

Thanks for all your advice on where to go and what to see and where to eat everyone! I have loved Denver so far. Went to the 16th street Walking Mall today but it's funny how something is fun for only so long when you're by yourself and not feeling well. I truly wish I felt up to leaving the hotel to get a milkshake. I've been thinking about it all day. I haven't been waking up at 5am since I got here and between the cumulative sleep deprivation, hormone overload and stomach ulcer, I can only dream of a milkshake.

Thank you for reading this and for listening. It's good company knowing you're on the other side as I sit in an abandoned hotel lobby because my bed was starting to feel like an iron. It's friday night....I would usually have just put the birds to bed and my hubby would be calling from our TV room what's taking me so long to join him. Don't remember what's on TV on friday nights, but I do know he'd be on the other couch. Just within arms reach. Instead of wresling for the remote, chatting during commercials or hearing him eat his favorite snack - a shiny Granny Smith apple that I always buy for him, I'm sitting alone in a quiet hotel, counting my eggs before they hatch. Silly, silly girl.