Cord Blood and other Black Holes

It is now one year ago that we had our phone consult with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM, and two years that my doctor sat me down in her office and told me Stef has azoospermia. I cannot believe that today, I am 21 weeks pregnant with the baby girl of my dreams and just finished a tour of the labour and delivery ward at the hospital. I do have to say that not only do I feel like the luckiest person in the world, I am stinking proud of myself for all that I've done to accomplish this. The end result was out of my hands, but getting there was all in my control and I worked like a one armed turkey farmer to get there. When I was on the phone with Dr. M one year ago, embarking on the journey to the land of a thousand needles and endless stress and work, I never would have guessed that this could really come true.

On a much different note...I stumbled upon something that will not work out and it actually upset me greatly. Anyone giving birth these days has the option of storing their child's cord ( for the stem cells ) for their future use, or to donate it to hopefully save the life of others. After some research on the probability of her needing her own stem cells in life, I decided to donate my daughter's cord blood so her stem cells can save the life of someone else. She was a gift from God and science and I really wanted to give back to them both. It was not easy finding a facility that actually allowed you to donate....but found plenty that would take your money to store your own. After finally finding one in Alberta and having them send me their paperwork, I was heart broken to find out that I am excluded from public donation. Anyone over 36 years of age is. Brutal. Don't know why....I guess genetic testing at CCRM only goes so far. Through my disappointment, I realized that her and I will have to find other ways of giving back and showing our gratitude.

Stef and I worked hard on the nursery this weekend. It's really coming along...I'll post a picture when we have it done. As for some of the things on my to do list...I'm not doing too bad. Hospital tour was done tonight, I've started prenatal aquasize, signing up for prenatal yoga and Hypnobirthing this weekend, started crotcheting her baby blanket, put our name on the waiting list of three child care facilities and am continuing to take my picture every week for my Belly Book, which I have yet to start. So lots of things to do still, including landing a name for her.

I have to admit, I never expected finding a name to be such a challenge. Stef and I agree on very few, and the few we agree on, I like for a week and then we're back to square one. I keep getting this feeling that her name has already been decided and if I listen carefully, I'll hear it. OK, I'm all ears.

And our Shinning Star is.......

A little GIRL!!

So excited! I thought it was a girl all along until lots of people insisted it was a boy, and got me thinking I may be wrong. But it's a good thing I was excited for both. So we're having our little princess! I went straight to a nice baby store and got her an heirloom blanket. As my first gift to her.

Thank you for all your support!!

Gratitude and a Special Announcement

|As I sit in the morning twilight, watching the snow on our evergreens turn a soft pink, greatfullness sweeps into my heart.

Reading a few blogs lately of my IVF girls, or their blog followers, there are some very sad stories out there. So many struggles...not just with infertility and IVF, but procedures and hurdles they have to overcome to get to do a cycle of IVF...just to see it fail again and again, having to deal with the implications of donor egg or sperm...not knowing where to draw the line and what it all means. The pain, hardship and stress that infertility and continued IVF failures cause to people, their marriages and their families can be paralizing. My heart goes out to all of them, and it makes me even more greatful to be carrying our child....and I'm still waiting for it to hit me acutually. It is still surreal. Every pregnancy is a miracle of life. My IVF pregnancy feels like a miracle gift. Of life, science and God.

I'm also greatful for my parents who took in my parrots. My Jardine and lovebird are now living with my parents, for as long as they can or want to take are of them. As simple as this may sound, it is not and was not, for anyone. They are both beautiful little creatures with amazing personalities who were very attached to us. I used to nap with them with one sitting on my chest above my heart and the other on my knee. They used to eat breakfast with us, especially pancakes, and then shower with me. I never sang in the shower....but my lovebird did. Everyday that I came home from work, my love bird would sit on the handle of the French door of their room and look on in anticipation as I put my computer down and went to kiss his beak through the glass. He couldn't wait to see me and come out and play, followed by my Jardine. They could not stay with us because they are fully flighted and not caged, which makes clean up alone a two hour afair daily, and most of the day on Sunday when I did a full once over on their room. Also, the big parrot has a major attitude, especially during breeding season and can be jealous and dangerous....so he can never be around a child, or me taking care of a child. At the age of 23, when I moved back in with my parents after living on my own for a while, my dad was thrilled, but with one stipulation " but when you move out again, no more leaving your pets behind ". Well, my parents have now taken care of 4 of my birds, 3 of which are still well and alive in their home today. I'm so greatful they are willing to let those little feathered treasures mess up their house, take up lots of their time, and bring song and laughter to their life.


I'm greatful for Stef. Everyone who knows us personally, knows that he is a genius designer and renovator. His back breaking work ethic combined with a nack for perfection and an eye for contemporary style has turned our home and back yard into being worthy of magazine covers. While I was at my parents' in Edmonton settling in my birds and being spoiled by my mom and friend Monika and her family, Stef set sail on the house and nursery renos, all bunkered in for a week. What was the birds' room is now the nursery, all cleaned out with fresh paint, modern wall paper on the feature wall and a funky closet we are finishing up today. The main floor of our home has been completely repainted and restyled, with a major reno project in the livingroom, which faces the nursery. We will spend more time in this room now (as opposed to it having been an abandoned art gallery for the past three years) so we are bringing in a fire place and TV as well as a child safe leather coffee table and new area rug which we brought home yesterday and are enjoying right now. All this to say that I am greatful to have a husband with all his great qualities, including those that REALLY make other wives jealous. Along with his Italian good looks, the taste of Sir Frank Lloyd Wright, the artistic flare of DaVinchi and the heart of a true Roman Soldier.

I think I might be feeling the baby's movement. Not the butterfly flutters that people talk about, but more like a muscle twich feels. Or a pinch from inside. We'll have a look at the baby during my 20 week ultrasound on Wednesday and hopefully FIND OUT THE GENDER of the baby!!. That is my special announcement. So look for an update this coming Wednesday about a boy or girl...hopefully the little one is a little exhibitionist like his or her mama and is facing the right way!

Something in the Wind

As a pharmaceutical rep, I frequent many doctors' offices and waiting rooms and see many kids and families. Today, one caught my attention to the core. The mom was sitting on a chair and her little girl, less than 2, was underneath it, facing her brother, younger than her, who was wound around his mother's legs. She was creaming in laughter and delight. They were playing some game that only they know and understand and apparently, she was winning. Her laughter was so sweet and wonderful, that I couldn't help but wonder what her life would be like if her brother wasn't there to bring her that kind of joy. What she would be doing in that waiting room instead....tugging at her mom in bordom? sitting and reading a children's book? I don't know....but she wouldn't be laughing like that. A month ago, that scene would have had me running back to my car in tears, still not understanding why we were not given twins in this process....like I was sure we would if I got pregnant. To be honest, I never saw myself as a mother of two before IVF. I only dreamed of one child my whole life. But IVF almost promises the option of two babies at once and the idea really grew on me as our journey progressed. So much so, that I thought for sure a boy and a girl were in our future. Up until recently, I still didn't understand how only a singleton happened. Over joyed and greatful of course, yet a little disappointed and perplexed how my strong premonition of having siblings had been wrong.

Then something changed. I became aware of a strong message that I had been too stubborn to hear before. That I'm living my destiny. And a peace has fallen over my heart about this child being a singleton. Like it's meant to be for reasons I don't know yet and need to trust. I can't explain where it came from. All I know is that seeing a couple with two kids, thinking about twins or the notion that our child may grow up without a brother or sister no longer bothers me. It's as if he or she whispered it to me from my whom...."It's OK. It's what I want".

P.S. Lest we forget, I had TWO normal blasts at day 5. One arrested. The other one, I'm carrying.

Enjoy our 4 moths pictures. Stef took them - he is a magician.

A Different Kind of Graduation

I'm officially like everyone else now. Well, those who know me would argue that that's never possible, but I mean that I am no longer under the care of a fertility clinic to have this baby. I am like any other pregnant woman. No more hormones, needles, patches and weekly blood tests. Which were getting really annoying by the way. Every week, sometimes twice, I would go to the hospital to have blood drawn to check estrogen and progesterone levels so Colorado can adjust my doses accordingly. I have had to do this for the past 4 months. They had to be same day results, faxed to Colorado. How many times do you think my nurse in Colorado would email me the next day and say 'I never received your results yesterday'. More than half the time. Chasing those results down got really old, especially when I heard "we can't talk to patients" from the labs. Well, my doc has no time for incompetent people in the labs and I felt like informing them of that. But that's over now. My nurse called this week to tell me that my care is officially being transferred to my OBGYN at home. When she happily told me I've 'graduated' from CCRM, I burst into tears. It was as if a war had ended with me the victor....I cried over the tremendous amount of work this was. The least of which were the meds and the needles....that was the easy part. The hard part was working with this health care system to accommodate what Colorado was doing and needed.

A friend had asked me why I was on hormones during the pregnancy in the first place. If you are interested in the scientific answer, read on. If not, skip this paragraph. In a regular cycle of a non IFV woman, once the egg is released, the follicle that released the egg is called the 'corpus luteum' and will play an essential role should there be a pregnancy. If the egg gets fertilized and embeds in the uteral linnig, the blastocysts (5 day old embryo) sends off the pregnancy hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin or HcG hormone) to the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum then, in response to the HcG, begins to produce enough estrogen and progesterone so that the body does not begin a period, hense retaining the uteral lining and the baby. This is why you get a period if there is no pregnancy...because your hormones plummet. Women undergoing IVF do not have a corpus luteum to govern hormones, because they did not ovulate. They did not ovulate because our entire hormonal system is shut down (with the birth control pill and other suppression hormones) prior to transfer of the embryo, in efforts to manually adjust the cycle and hormones in order to accommodate the timing and precision of the transfer. So if a pregnancy takes place, we have to take external estrogen and progesterone to maintain the pregnancy. But not for the entire duration of the pregnancy, and the reason for that is, that the placenta takes over the hormone production from the corpus luteum at about week 13. So in our case, we slowly get weaned off towards week 13-15 and as long as they see that our levels are what they should be without the meds....we're free. As I am now!

I am beginning to collect books faster than I can read them...almost an obsession. I actually have 13 books now, between my iPad and actual paper, on pregnancy, nutrition, the first year, baby gadgets and necessities, labor, nursing, and a friend even bought one for Stef. I have a book in every room of the house just in case the mood strikes me to read a few pages. I hope to have them all read....right now it's a little slow in the reading department and busy in the buying department.

AND we have settled on a stroller. STOKKE it is. Now just to know the gender so we can pick a color. 29 more sleeps til we find out. The suspense is killing me. The 'feelings' and premonitions on gender by others is almost 50/50. My friend just pointed out that it's probably a girl because female embryos are stronger....and this is the only one that survived between day 3 and day 5. My feelings? Not tellin. I'm giving this blog to my kid one day in the form of a book. I am going on record to say that as much as I have a strong feeling about the gender, I would be just as happy to be wrong.

As far as the pregnancy goes....My belly still looks like I just ate way too much, and it's getting on my nerves. It's coming in very very slowly. I did get my heart rate Doppler from e-bay finally and we can hear the baby's heart beat any time we want. That is truly cool, although I am disappointed with the gadget itself. They have thousands of them and I carelessly bought one without the LED that displays the heart beat. I thought that was a given. Nope. I tried to return it. Right. Manufacturer is somewhere in China, not returning my emails. Good luck. On another note....I am falling apart a bit in the lower half of my body. My hip has bursitis from the expansion of the pelvis and sitting down means trying to get comfortable with a hot poker in my side. As for my feet, standing, even in comfortable shoes, is painful. My feet have always had a high arch and are large for my body. Size 9 at 5'4.5". They were size 8 not that long ago. So the ligaments have definitely changed. Not complaining at all. This journey takes the whining out of pregnancy. Just noting some of the interesting changes I did not anticipate. And...the first trimester has made a come back. I am sleeping more than I ever did and have not hit that second trimester 'jolt' yet.

My birds are still flying around what will be the nursery, and the little treasures are moving in two weeks. My dad is flying here and driving me in my vehicle with all cages, toys and of course the birds back to Edmonton. Where I will help my mom settlem them in, and have a chance to give them a proper good bye. I'm spending a week there and looking forward to going shopping for maternity clothes, baby furniture and our Stokke stroller. No Stokke here in little town on the prairie. I'm happy for his help and company. It's a 7-8 hour drive and with my hip the way it is, I'm glad to have someone else drive, at least there. When I come back, this pregnancy will take off for me. As much as I will miss the birds, I am beginning to accept it and looking forward to having the extra time every day dedicated to the things I can't do right now, as it would compromise time from their care and clean up. Boy....I sound like I run a farm. I can't wait to look into hypnobirthing, prenatal swimming and yoga, and help Stef start on the nursery and the whole house really. We will be doing a full overhaul on the house...painting, declutering all the storage and changing the decor in the upstairs living room and my office as well. We have just under 6 months to do it....I am 15 weeks today.

First Belly Picture

By popular demand, here is a picture on our way to Stef's cousin's wedding at week 13.

And just a little update...coming up to week 14 now. Down to 1/2 cc of PIO and was hoping to hear today that I can stop. I am having a harder time twisting around to give myself the shot so I'm ready to quit. I am a full 10 lbs over my transfer weight and 20 lbs over my usual weight of 125lbs. Now that the restaurant eating and Thanksgiving is behind us, I am looking forward to watching my belly grow....not my butt. I can still sleep on my stomach, and when I look down at myself, I don't see a baby bump just yet....more like having eaten too much...but in the mirror and in pictures I see what everyone else does and what people are being pretty obvious about now. "Are you expecting?"

First Trimester.....Reflections

What I learned during the first trimester of pregnancy (July 8 th to Sept 30):

Morning sickness and vomiting is an urban legend. Food went in only one direction. Down.
I felt one of two ways all the time. Tired or hungry. I ate just enough to be tired and then slept just long enough to get hungry.
There was no point in reading pregnancy books. Was asleep before the third sentence. Except 'Girlfriend's guide to pregnancy'. The laughing out loud kept me up.
Hubby has way more patience than I knew. The other way you can feel all the time is bitchy or weepy. But he always held my hand.
Boobs double in size....hubby also liked holding something else :)
Cottage cheese is not part of my diet, but it's sure a part of my ass.
So much for not showing in the first trimester. That is also an urben legend. 6 extra lbs on a frame that always had a belly, I was showing at 8 weeks.
Was in maternity clothes before the pregnancy stick dried. And here, they are either hideous or expensive. Online shopping to the rescue.
Don't bother to explain what a genetically normal embryo/baby is and what it means to the probability of miscarriage. Mankind is not ready. Millennia ingrained notions will prevail.
Don't sneeze or cough laying or standing straight. Not at 40. The tendonds around the uterus spasm and it hurts like a damn. Must be bent over or curled in a ball to sneeze or cough.
And...even though I'm thrilled and greatfull to be pregnant, the preparations in the next few months and having to give up my birds (thankfully to my parents) is overwhelming at times.

Second trimester goals: yoga, swimming, Birthbilss Hypnobirthing classes, change Will and life insurance, book a Baptism, get a registry, get the nursery ready, de-clutter the house and.....find out the sex of the baby. Can't wait!!

Weaning and whining

Ten weeks today!! Two more weeks to close the first trimester. Very excited. Have been going for blood tests once a week to monitor the placenta's pace of making hormones so I can get off the artificial ones. I've gone from an injection and three suppositories for progesterone, to only the injection! YEY! And went from 4 patches and one pill for estrogen, to only three patches! I can see I have a two time Iron Man in there.....very determined!

I feel great. Had nausea for a bit there but it's gone. I felt generally aweful every night and that went away the minute we started going on daily walks. My need to eat constantly has settled down, and with some discipline, so has the scale. Thank goodness. I have to laugh out loud when I read books that say that most women don't gain any weight in the first trimester. Hilarious. If you're throwing up every day, maybe.

Telling people has been really wonderful. I watch my friends, collegues and well known clients cry and hug me and jump up and down. I have not tired of that at all.
What I have tired of very quickly is the folks that don't get what the embryo genetic testing in Denver provided us with. Namely, peace of mind especially in the first trimester. And no matter how much I explain it, they are still holding their breath for the first three months, and one person even went as far as saying "don't get too excited". Heartbreaking really. We know the risks...if we're excited, especially after what we've been through, who are they to suggest otherwise. Not sure how to let that go.

Saw the baby again the other day on a practically hand held ultrasound at my OBGYN's. So wonderful and so surreal. I still can't get my head around a little one growing in there, especially with no belly yet, so seeing is definitely believing! it had little arms and legs and was boogying away. Like mommy....the dancer.

Heartbeat # 2

OMG! OMG! we could actually make out the baby this time on the screen! It was SOOOO sweet! And a tiny little umbilical cord! We just melted! Baby is measuring 2cm (that's almost an inch for you US folk) and heart rate of 176 which is normal! It was so cute!

I'm waiting for instructions from Colorado about changes in hormones. Maybe one less suppository? AND.....you know how they say kids give you gray hair? Pulled two out of my scalp today....my first ones. 40, pregnant, growing gray, and lovin it.

My three stars and one less dose

I have to say how touched I am to get star pendants from my friends. My 'shinning star' theme has inspired a string of wonderful gifts, all of which I'm wearing. My friend Brenda gave me the third one...and from Texas! And it's so cute! It's all I wear...my three little stars.

AND.....of the things I am looking forward to stopping the most in the medication department...surprisingly not the daily intramuscular injection into my butt...but those sick progesterone viginal suppositories. I had read girls complaining of the 'mess' they make...I thought 'how bad can it be?' IT'S BAD. And after today's progesterone check, I have gone down a dose! Yey! Just twice a day now. The progesterone went up, so that means the placenta is starting up!

In other prego news, I am 8 weeks this Friday, two months! If I have any mornignsicknes at all, it manifests as perpetual hunger. I can eat constantly. I went for a huge Italian meal at the in laws on Sunday, at 6 pm. Ate till my vision was blurred. Italian food people. You would too. Anyways, I had to take off right after that to a near by city for a morning meeting. I never took any food with me to the hotel, as I figured I'd be fine till breakfast. WRONG. The hunger woke me up at 5:30am and I did the desperate dig through my purse for forgotten and buried emergency food. All I found was a chocolate bar I had bought for a friend of mine while on holidays, that I still haven't given to her. I decided my friend is the sharing type.

Next ultrasound....sept 7th!

A heart, eleven years in the making

I met Stef eleven years ago, and today we saw our hearts beat as one...in our little Shinning Star! We were so happy and relieved. The little baby is 5mm, boasting a 126 beats per minute heart beat! you should have seen that little pulsing on the screen! it's so surreal to know that it's going on inside me right now...a beat every 2 seconds. The ultrasound put me at 6 weeks, 1 day, with a due date on April 16th. This is a 3 day discrepancy according to the transfer date calculation.....anyone know why? no biggie...just curious.

And...a little update...
Mornings sickness hit this morning when I kept pushing breakfast back due to working (home office), taking care of the birds and preparing for my injection all for too long this morning. Let's see if it comes back.
Cravings: Cantelope. And only a couple times.
Fast food I really enjoy: Chicken and humous pita from Pita Pit. yummm
Food I cant' wait to enjoy: my favortie meal....spagetti with sugar, ground poppy seed and melted butter on top. Have already celebrated my pregnancy as promised to myself years ago, with a few spoonfulls of sweetened condenced milk. Apparently, I grew up on some bizarre food and treats. I know. Don't forget...I'm Czech. And from the communist era, when real food wasn't available.
No longer enjoy: Wine, beer, coffee, chocolate (the caffeine), tea of any kind, matcha frapuccinos, sprouts, soft cheezes. What do I miss the most? Suprisingly, not wine. Tea. I miss tea the most. Something I always took for granted. Especially matcha. Love that stuff.
Suprisingly enjoy: All signs of pregnancy, including my boobs waking me up from pain at night when I turn over. And here is a big surprise....especially for Flygirl...I enjoy my PIO injections. I know. Weird. How can sticking a needle the size of a toothpick into your ass every morning and then pushing oil through be fun? Because I'm proud of myself for getting used to it, and it means that I was given another day with this precious one growing inside.
Need to stop enjoying: too much indulgence. There is no reason for weight gain except for a little water weight for the first trimester. But watching nutrition instead of calories and not being able to work out the way I did, the scale is creeping upward a bit too soon. So I've decided to start taking light walks and not use the pregnancy excuse when the urge to indulge hits. Will let you know how that goes over :)

Thanks for your support and advice!

Belly Armour and a Doula

First, in case someone is waiting for the results of my first ultrasound, it is next Tuesday, not this past Tuesday - sorry for any confusion. We're really looking forward to it. As time goes by, one needs more and more confirmation that this pregnancy is really happening. The batteries on my digital pregnancy test stick have died, so I can't stare at the "yes" for reassurance anymore. My sore boobs are a great reminder, especially after one hour naps in the afternoon, but I'm ready to see this little one thriving. He or she has the genes of a 2 time Iron Man so I have no doubt about hearing that little heart!

My lap top is sitting on my brand new Belly Armour Blanket. It is a special blanket that blocks computer and cell phone radiation to the baby. With me being on my cell phone all day and then working on my lap top on actually on my lap in the car EVERY day, I had to get one. Look it up if you're interested....and it makes a unique gift. Gals in Canada - tack on another $30.00 for shipping. www.bellyarmor.com

AND....ummmm....I can't get the italic off right now...OK...where was I.....right! so excited!! I get my very own Doula when the baby is born. Turns out my massage therapist is a Doula (if you're wondering what that is, it's like a midwife without the delivery part - the doctors still play their role, and still at the hospital). She will take care of Stef and I...probably more Stef....during the birth, with two visits to the home before and after the the birth. She will massage, feed, work through contractions, ect. I love it! when she told me her price, I almost feel down. I feel she would deserve twice as much for a service like that. I'm so happy we had that conversation and that I will have that kind of support during the delivery.

Friday will be week 6 and all is well for far. Question for those of you who would have wanted or needed one....any advice on a pregnancy journal? I've looked at a few at Chapter's but none that I rushed to the check out stand with. I can make my own with a scrap book, but though maybe you've seen really cool ones. Thanks!

5 week update and Babymoon!

Hi there ladies. I did first want to say, like some of our other pregnant bloggers, that I would completely understand if you no longer follow me. Everyone's care and support has been invaluable over the past 9 months. I truly hope that all of your IVF journeys end in a happy and healthy pregnancy.

So, I'm home now with a week of work under my belt. Speaking of my belt......I had to have a crash course on my city's Maternity clothes market in a hurry. When I came back from my brother's...the second vacation in a row, I found my pants were tight. I am no longer in a position to watch my carbs, workout an hour a day and eat a light supper to fit into them just fine in a week. nope. So I went shopping for maternity clothes, bought some summer stuff on sale.....and I love them!! My friend S in Califiornia told me that I will love maternity jeans. OMG do I! Just to let you know how "tight" my regular pants were.....I wore my maternity pants with a tight sweather over them to a function at work. A few people in the room knew about Denver, so they asked how it went, and the joy spread around the room pretty fast. One of my clients said " I could tell you were pregnant!" How cute AND embarassing at the same time. 5 weeks and "showing". Nice.

The Symtoms: my favorite topic.
Boobs: When I first get out of bed, hug someone or take my bra off, my boobs feel like they encapsulate a huge rock....eventhough they are not hard. It's really wierd. That was my very first symptom two weeks ago at my friend's place in Cali.
Fatigue: Yesterday, I was exhausted. I had to laugh when Josie was in her first trimester and said " how do women with full time jobs do this". I am fortunate to have a job that takes me on the road (not come month 7,8,9, when I'll be peeing my pants mind you) which means I can make time for a nap. Yesterday's nap was in a park in a small town that had a fountain and swinging bridge. My default travel pillow and blanket in my car became especially handy yesterday.
Food: No nausea yet, but my appetite is gone. I do get hungry but quite reluctantly and a few bites are enough. I have to remember to snack. I am totally off coffee, chocolate, sodas and any herbal teas at all.
Body: This is an odd one and not one I hear alot of. If I get up too fast from a chair or tretch in bed, my lower abdomen muscles, especially the side ones, cramp up. I have to stretch with my legs bent at the knees and get up from a chair like an old lady. I find it cute....like the baby is getting protected from sudden movements. There have been foreign sensations in my uterus. Pressure - like someone has had their head in my lap for too long, wriggles and giggles, like someone is flicking me from inside, like someone is trying to put their fist through it from inside. Lower back muscles seems tight at times. All of these are a little scary, but as my friend M said, " the baby is doing it's job".

So about that Babymoon. We are now where we were supposed to be 2 1/2 years ago, but with one advantage - we had that time to work on our marriage and build our life and assets together. So, in a way, we are futher ahead and even more prepared now. There is a blanket of relief, tranquility and peace that has fallen over my heart and our marriage. We are totally thrilled. Next tuesday is the 6.5 week first ultrasound to detect a heart beat. So excited and a little scared of course. Every day I thank God for my shinning star, and every day I beg my shinning star to keep on shinning.

Beta #s and symptoms

OK!! now for some data and facts. "Beta" is short for the pregnancy hormone that is tested to confirm pregnancy. Anything over 25 means your pregnant and anything over 50 means you have a very strong pregnancy. Your level after 48 hours should double. My first one was 50!! and then it more than tripled at 181!! today! So happy

My sore boobs went away (hint #1 I was pregnant) but still feel full and bigger. I am hungry faster and more often now. Feel OK during the day, but start to get done at 8 or 9 pm. A nap during the day is very welcome.

Flying home today. Sad to leave my brother's place in Salt Lake City, but excited to get home and see my birdies and begin our exciting journey!

Shopping!!

I have a little secret. When I was in Laguna Beach last weekend I was 5 days after the transfer and having signs already but still holding out for proof. I stepped into an art gallery of an artist whom I discovered in Lahaina, Maiu, where I even him saw in person as a family bought an original for $35,000. Vlademire Kush. I have loved and admired his work for years and only stumble apon his galleries while traveling. I had no intention of buying anything, as Stef is the art person and has dressed every inch of wall possible for display with his art collection or his photography. The nice lady asked me if I had any questions....I found myself asking how much his prints go for. She started to explain how some are not even for sale anymore as they are the last of the series, where his originals are,(don't think any were there)and she proceeds to show me a 'good value' print that just came in taking me to a part of the gallerie I had not looked at yet. She points to a limited series print called 'A New Day' and it takes my breath away. I swear it was a sign. Stunned, almost speechless, I ask how much, and then she was stunned and speechless when I heard myself saying 'I'll take it'. I felt it was fate. Needless to say, it will be the show piece in the baby room. It's hard to describe if you are not familiar with his work, but it has to do with a baby, and it represented the transfer and what I hoped the baby was doing in my womb at that very moment. When she was wrapping it for me, we were both socked to realize that the back of the painting was signed by him!!! An added little bonus I felt lucky to have.

Also, I was so excited to go shopping with my sister in law yesterday - I'm still in Salt Lake City right now- to my first maternity store!! And got a few things for 'later'. Also, as it was my 40th as well yesterday, I got my first baby gift...a tickle monster story book kit!! I cant wait for all the fun coming up....I have been ready for this for ten years.

One Little Diiorio....on the way!!!

Our very difficult and trying journey of two and a half years came to a close as soon as I picked up that stick, hands shaking, and read "YES+". My entire world changed at that moment. Pure, liquid, bright relief and freedom flooded by soul and I completely fell apart for a few minutes. I had had signs that I am pregnant but have been fooled before. Mind you, not signs like these, but once you've been pummeled for almost three years, you don't believe anything anymore.

I have crossed over to world that so many take for granted because it happened when they decided. The world of true womanhood - motherhood. And that pregnancy test stick was my walking wand, and the 'yes' my green light.

I'm having an absolute ball.

Little Reminders

I stood on my front step and wept. When I saw the envelope with just my first name written on it appear out of my mailbox, I wondered who and what, since my birthday is not for two weeks. I was clueless. When I opened it, I broke down. It was a little reminder of not only who is thinking of me, but who I am on my way to meet.
This little surprise made me realize how special our journey has become to everyone around us. My upcoming trip to Denver to fetch my 'Shining Star' star been on everyone's mind. It has been apparent in the texts, phone calls and emails saying 'I'm thinking of you' or 'how are you feeling' or the hugs with 'I hope it works out for you' whispered in my ear. I truly love you all for genuinely sharing in our journey, and truly caring. And mostly, for showing it. I cannot seem to prepare myself for the ultimate outcome....as the tug of war between hope and what may not be is at constant battle. But you have all supported me in ways that I cannot thank you enough for, and truly appreciate.
My inner avoidance of facing our parenthood destiny comes with avoidance of truly thinking about my 'Shining Star'. I know our little one is in Denver waiting, ready to fight for life, but I don't dare to truly connect with it in my mind just yet. The fear is too great. That is why I wept on my front step. I opened the card to find caring words about our upcoming trip to Denver and a small gift. As the sunlight reflected off the shinny pendant, I was dazzled by how it caught the rays of light. It was in the shape of a star. A beautiful, five point, shining star.

On fate and flies

Sometimes I am going on about my business in my kitchen when I notice a fly buzzing up against the inside of the window. Always somewhat of a philosopher and not a fly swatter owner, I stop what I'm doing and contemplate the fly. I think for a moment what it must be like, to be trying to satisfy its greatest instinct - to fly towards light - but having this unseen obstacle in the way. It cannot understand that no matter how many times it tries to fly into the light and outside, it will never happen. When I combine the fly's frustration and the tragedy of it all, I grab a glass, cup the fly, carefully slide an envelope under the mouth of the glass, and walk towards the door. Then something very interesting happens. The fly thinks it's going to die. It panics inside the glass, convinced something terrible is about to happen......and then it's free. Some unknown and not well understood force came along and changed its course. To the fly, I do not exist....but I am the reason it was able to satisfy the most powerful basic instinct. Life.

In many ways, I feel like that fly up agaist the window. Buzzing into un unseen obstacle to satisfy my most basic instinct......nurturing. Coupled with the fact that I have allowed my career to be stunted while we wait to see what happens with IVF, I feel like my head is hitting that window on a lot of levels. If a fly's dead end can be altered by something it doesn't see or understand, why can't ours. Is it possible that at some point, all of us get cupped against the window we are banging our head against and are gently moved to a place we can finally soar? I don't see why not. If a fly deserves it....so do we. And I hope I will be soaring soon. This window is getting to me. My life is beyond it. I can see it but can't get to it. One way or another, this transfer in Denver will be my cup.

Need your opinion - poll is on!

OK. As this is it, our last try, I am being super paranoid about everything I am doing and eating and am thinking of seeing a nutritionist. I am pretty well read in this department, but have spent most of my life as a vegetarian and think it's OK to drink coffee untill a week before the FET. Maybe there is a cleansing, high antioxidant diet, or a diet full of avocados and pears (shown to target the health of the uterus) that I can consider. Maybe she can do all the research for me and guide me into a direction that will improve my chances of the blast attaching. Or am I nuts? The consult is $110. OK I think, for piece of mind. But I will be pissed off if she showes me that Canada food guide and sends me on my way. Really pissed. Please respond to my poll!!

Oh right....the baby thing

OK...It's time...I really should tell you, that I won't be telling you anything. Our blastocyst ( 5 day old embryo ) is waiting us in Denver. I am preparing for the transfer sometime this summer and am not devulgin the date to anyone. After calgary, I realized something. IVF strips you of many things....including the element of surprise. If your friend, daughter, sister, niece, whomever, got pregnant, you get a phone call or a visit, filled with joy, cheers and happy tears. Do you know the exact date of her pregnancy test? No you don't. So I want that back in this process. The element of surprise. Having said that, there will be news, one way or the other, by the end of the summer. (my IVF bloggers, please see below)

I have been in touch with my nurse and know what's coming for the preparation. I don't just show up in Colorado and welcome the little one into my womb. I will again be suppressing my natural cycle with hormones, will be taking lupron injections, and injecting progesterone in oil into muscle. Lovely. Along with estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories. For weeks and weeks. THEN I get to go to Colorado and get my little one.

How am I coping with the sheer mind-blowing stress of this being the beginning of the rest of my life? As a mother - Or not? .....Living for everyday, focusing on the present only, hoping for the best, trusting what's meant to be, and so far the most effective method.....joining a Zumba class.

I will chime in from time to time to report on other things...so in the mean time, thank you for all your love and support.

As for my IVF blogging community buddies, I have built a separate blog for while I'm on my transfer protocol. If I have not sent it to you, or you need it sent again, lease let me know. I have not seen it on anyone's blog lists and would love more followers!

The Italian Way

First, a few cultural differences between her and Italy. Some was downright culture shock.

Wine: We only realy enjoyed wine in Tuscany, the heart of Chianti region. I must admit I never cared much for the stuffi. Until I drank it from the makers. Not the runny, sour, headachy stuff I get here. Total loveliness and it went down super nice overlooking the meadows of Tuscany. But traditionally, wine is served in regular water glasses, usually home made and drank with only the meal. I asked for a wine glass in a "home style" restaurant outside of Rome and got laughed at. Other than my chianti and a glass of wine a had in Rome, wine was not a highlight.

Bread. I am still scratching my head over this one. OF COURSE the bread was to die for. It depended on where though. Some bread was better and softer than others and for only white bread, it was surprisingly diverse. That was the killer though. Only white bread. When I talked to English speaking relatives about brown bread, whole grains, multigrain, etc, they had no idea what I was talking about. Eventually, I found out that his type of bread is called "integral", meaning the integral part of the bread. You won't find it by the way, outside of the breakfast in your hotel. Italians do not struggle with diabetes and obesity like we do so is white flour the real culprit? Now, sit down. Guess what. In the Tuscany region, many years ago, Pisa and Florence were at war. As a boycott, Pisa stopped sending Florence salt. So they had to make bread without salt. They got used to it and to uphold the tradition, very unfortunately, they still, to this day, use NO salt when baking bread. ALL the bread we ate for four days in Florence, Pisa and Tuscany - just flour, water and yeast. It truly was the most putrid thing I've eaten. So sad. Blend paper and water together, and it will be the same mouthful.

Coffee. This is not an easy one to convey. Forget everything you know and have come to understand about coffee and coffee culture in North America. Wipe it clean from your mind. Now, only introduce espresso machines in restaurants and coffee bars (more on that later) and stove top espresso percolators at home. A 'coffee' is a shot of espresso. Period. End of story. Traditionally, it is served with hot milk on the morning, either in the form of a latte or cappuccino. I asked for a latte in mid afternoon and was kindly educated. There are no coffee shops. There are coffee bars, where you stand, order your shot, drink it and leave. If you want to sit down at a table if the place has them, then you will be served by a waiter. I have never seen so many people eating and drinking while standing. I am a fan of milk in my coffee, so would ask for a cafe machiatto, which means a 'marked' coffee, or a drop of milk in your espresso shot. I must admit, I have come to appreciate this 'refined' coffee culture and will miss it.

Water. You would think this was simple. No. I always get pissed off when I come to Europe, because how caveman Canada still is about water. EVERYWHERE you go in Europe, even ghetto gas stations, have a choice of sparkling or regular water. In restaurants, same. In Canada, you have a choice of regular water, or pop. Very rarely, I'll spot a Perrier her at home, but I'm talking about regular Dasani water, but with gas in it. NO WAY JOSE. And another thing...it is illegal for restaurants to serve water from the tap in Italy. It must be bottled. And you must pay for it. No free water with your pasta. At my in-laws, I always wondered why they have bottled water on the super table all the time....oohhh, that's why!

Traffic: Nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Calling the vehicles in Rome 'cars' is too generous. They are ALL tiny, and there is a sea of them where ever you go. Either parked or moving and honking. The mopeds will run you down if you let them, that's if you can wiggle yourself out from between two parked cars when you cross the street.

The pee pee thing. Or Bidet, invented by the French. It's in every bathroom I saw, except for public washrooms. Hotels and our relatives had it everywhere. For the first time, I felt like a cave person. Scratching my head and grunting above a foreign object. I have seen them before but not in this abundance. I know what they're for, but refuse to go there. I don't know what's grosser....using one or not using one. There is even special soap! for them. When I told my cousin they don't exist in Canada, she asked how we wash 'down there'. Maybe we take more showers or something.

The best part of Rome, Tuscany, Isernia, Amalfi Coast, Florence? meeting Stef's family. And yes, we were asked about kids, with Stef's 90 year old grandmother rubbing my belly asking "niete?" So I said "Proviamo", or "we're trying". Speaking of which...stay tuned for news this summer on the transfer of our little one in Denver. In the meantime, enjoy the pictures using this link.
 http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150283660431281.373872.750676280&l=5527aa23ee

Here is a preview:

Twighlight Zone

So we took a seat next to a your sport looking couple playing cards in the Maple Leaf Loung - in Canadian airports, it's a glorious place with big chairs and free drinks, food and lattes, for everyone traveliveling first class or willing to pay the bucks to hang out there. We eventually struck up lively chit chat. When Stef mentioned he was a runner, the guy asked him if he read " Born To Run". Ummmmm....it's in Stef's carry on. I bought it for him when I went to Nederland when I was in Denver.....ummmmm....they are from Denver and are traveling to Prague.....ummmm....where I'm from. Did I mention they have identica twins? Just the cherry on the cake. I always thought I'd have twins.....sign? That was sooooo weird.

We then walked to our gate....the very same place we slept on the floor the first night on our honeymoon. Long story. We've come a long way since. Had enough points for first class and though I might be pregnant at this time from Calgary IVF when I booked the tickets. I don't mind at all, sipping my complimentary champagne in my pod. I think that's the least I deserve for not being 6 months pregnant like I was supposed to be. More room though.

Bags and Vampires

They want more blood. Just when I think the tests are over, CCRM let's me know that communicables (like HIV test) is only valid for 6 months. Last one was in January. So yup. More blood.....and bad new for folks having long term care at CCRM..new policy...the blood has to be drawn THERE!!! Wow.

And how about packing for the last SEVEN hours. And that does not include agonizing over my clothes and shoes all week and doing laundry and ironing till midnight last night. I know you don't really feel sorry for me, seeing as I'll be in Rome in almost 24 hours, but right now, this week was crazy. Up at the crack of dawn everyday due to the sheer volume of work I needed to get done, trying to pack and work out in the evening. I am taking my packed-out ass to bed. Cab is here at 9am! Will blog from Rome!

All roads lead to Rome

Well, mine do anyways. We are leaving for Rome on Saturday for three weeks. So sorry that I've been off line. I had to take my birds to my parents, 8 hours away for the Easter weekend and have since been making all the arrangements for an international trip, along with this being a busy time at work. I am looking forward to relaxing and eating. Exactly! what I need before going back to Denver again. I have been thinking about my shinning star every day and can't wait for my transfer. I will be sending little updates from Italy to let everyone know how our trip is going. Take care and chiao!

Sibling Rivalry

Thank you for cheering our 'normal' little Diiorio!!

One more thing I never expected on this IVF train - the sibling detour. Goldie asked me a good question on my previous post that has been on my mind. Dr. M pointed out to me that I might want to consider doing one more cycle before the transfer of our little Diiorio in Denver, so as to ensure that there will be a sibling. Either now in the form of twins, or later as a frozen transfer. The idea is to create more embryos now with my 39-40 year old eggs, rather than later, with 41-42 year old eggs once this baby is 12 months or so. That would be a good plan, except:

1) we've waited two and a half years through trials and tribulations to get pregnant and don't want to wait anymore. Another cycle would take a few months to do it well.
2) we should see how we feel about having another child after this one comes, and if we're really ready for another one and it's meant to be, my eggs will cooperate
3) what if this one becomes identical twins? No need for a sibling!
4) if this one doesn't take, we'll have no choice but to cycle again so why not see what happens first
5) most importantly, we both feel like pausing this transfer for another cycle is a detour from what we really want to do.
6) Stef has lost all patience with this process (what? He didn't get a needle in the ass once!)

So that's the decision about our embryo bank....I did this post more for me than anyone...as I can't handle the fear of regret and needed to get the reasons down on paper. Or 'screen' I should say.

For my IVF gals who've had a FET
I have a choice of progesterone support. Suppositories or injection. Thoughts? I would do the once a day suppositories but heard the injections are more effective ?

AND THE WINNER IS........

My shinning star!!! WE HAVE A GENETICALLY NORMAL BLASTOCYST!!!

Right in the middle of my daily stress out about the state of our blast, wondering how I'll make it through another week or two, I get a call from my doctor in Denver. I couldn't believe it was her on the phone. I instantly knew what it was about and tried to read her tone even before she told me. All I know is there were much too many words before I heard the word "NORMAL". Even then I had to hear it a few times for it to sink in. This means....we are in the running to start a family and according to their statistics, with this quality of a blast at my age, I have a 64% chance of pregnancy and a 60% chance of carrying this baby to term. You may think those aren't the best odds...but let me tell you....at my age and with IVF.....those are fantastic odds!

Recap for my non-IVF followers: This was big. Really big. This phone call could have resulted in this being over. According to some records I saw on an IVF forum, there is absolutely no guarantee, that just because an embryo lives to day 5 (now termed a blastocyst, or blast) it does not mean it is genetically normal. In a normally fertile,  non-IVF woman, a genetically abnormal embryo is lost with a period or is miscarried, or sometimes born as a child with abnormalities. In IVF, and for $7000, you can find out if it is normal or not, and up to HALF of them are not. So, it could have gone either way. They would not have given me an abnormal blast, and we would be finished. We both had a good feeling about this, but I took nothing for granted.

Recap for my IVF gals : get this...if you recall, there was one egg that matured over night, ICSIed the next day and fertilized. Last week, the embryologist told me that, that one in particular was 'poor quality' at day 5 so they didn't save it. Dr. M just told me that they genetically tested it anyway....it was normal!! she assured me it would never have attached because of how delayed it was, but it was of good quality on day 3! This tells her that should there be another cycle, she is confident we could do a fresh day 3 transfer. Also, I asked her about my procol. She admited that the high dose of Gonal-f backfired in my case. There are two procols she could have used on me and flipped a coin. Now that she knows this one did not optimize my follicles, she would use an estrogen based one next time, designed to stimulate small follicles early. Hopefully the only need to cycle again will be for a sibling!!

Whats up next: We are going to eat and relax in Italy and we will go get our little star in the summer.

I feel, now more than ever, that this shinning star will start our family. I am still reeling from my strong premonition of two kids being dislodged. I am greatful to have the opportunity to bring this one into this world.....and starting to appreciate that when it comes to having kids, IVF or not, nothing should be predicted, assumed, or taken for granted.

Has anyone seen my mind?

I have not really been one to wine to people about feeling down, and I know better than to do that on an infertility blog where my followers have suffered multiple miscarriages and failed cycles. I'm better with coming to my friends with an actuall issue to analize, narrow in on and attack with new outlooks, attitudes and solutions. I don't really have one. I wish I could say it was the waiting for the genetic testing, more than two years of this, letting go of having  boy/girl twins ( I saw their faces in my dreams), having only one shot at having a child of our own flesh and blood (depending on genetic testing of course) , not being ready for plan B to be child free like we've always agreed on, the dramatic fluctuations of hormones, or the lately not-so-strict-low-carb diet in preparation for Italy in exactly three weeks tomorrow (OMG). I do know this:

I have lost my mind. I desperately want to open up an alcohol swab and take in that smell of preparing for an injection. I would do it, but then I'd have to have myself checked in. I miss the feeling of doing something about this, even if it freaking truly is sticking a sharp object into myself, for the love of God. I miss being engaged in my life, where very second was one closer to getting on the plane to Denver. 

And if I hear more story about some couple who who went for IVF twice and it didn't work and then they got pregnant on their own....I'll freak right out. What part of "blockage" don't they get. I just politely smile.....listen to the SECOND time they tell me the same freaking story, and say again..."well, that's nice for them, but that will never be us, you see, WE CANT HAVE KIDS!!!! it's not that we are having trouble, or it's unexplained, or IVF is a way to speed up the process, no, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!. Why don't people get that.

The best advice so far has been the ever simple and forever resignating: "what is meant to be, will be". I have always believed in destiny before.....that's been a challenge lately.

My hubby tried to cheer me up by insisting to take me to the premier of "RIO", a 3D animated Parrot movie. He supports his "bird lady" wife by loving her birds (that took two years and an awesome lovebird "Chico") and becoming somewhat of a bird lover himself. Oh good...just what I needed....a tear jerking movie about birds in a theater full of little kids. Good movie, but because we have a parrot we found it sad. I came home and woke up my parrot to apologize for contributing to the parrot trade and ripping him away from his natural habitat. I don't cage my birds and they are fully flighted, but still. I don't get how people think it's OK to keep something that flies in a cage with it's wings clipped. Because the pet stores do? We're the animals.

I call our one blast "my shining star". Why? In our last cycle in Calgary, 3/8 embryos made it to day 3. A week ago in Denver, 4/4 embryos made it to day 3. Which tells me two things...we really did do better in Denver. The accupucture, swallowing an open fistfull of herbs everynight and the clinic itself improved our embryo count from 38% to 100%. The second thing it tells me, is that something happend on day 4. Eventhough they made it that far, all embryos died with the expection of this one. I hope it's because it wants to come home with us. That shinning star is the only light I carry right now.

What a Blast!

And that's what we have. ONE blast. Good quality, grade 5BB (5AA is best). We are thrilled that one made it to the blastocyst stage (day 5), because in Calgary, our relusts were bleak on day 3. That is why we went to CCRM - to increase our chances. We do have one chance, and we are greatful, although we were hoping not to have to sweat this hard with only one on board. I had a little grieving moment, as I always saw myself with twins. This process almost promises twins and I sure got that screwed into my head. Some say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.....so there must be a reason.

RECAP: Of the 8 eggs they took out, 6 were mature enough to fertilize. 4 actually fertilized, and of those 4, one special little Diiorio made it. It is now frozen, with one cell having been taken out for genetic testing before freezing.

WHAT'S COMING UP:   We chose to do genetic testing (Comprehensive Chromosomal Screening). This will be another nail biter - as it has been for the last two days. We are counting on this ONE blast to be normal....this is our only chance. They will let us know in 2-3 weeks. Providing it is, we will be going back to CCRM this summer for the transfer.

All day I lived with the fact that this phone call could end it all. Then I realized that if it doesn't, we are still a long ways away from becoming a family. But, one hurdle is over. And one baby is waiting for us. All along during this process, I've heard "it only takes one". One it is.

The More the Merrier!

I got a call from the lab this morning that of the two eggs they would try to mature invetro and fertilize, ONE! Fertilized! So now here is the status, as far as we know:

3 fertilized on day 1
1 may have fertilized on day 1 but slowly...they will check on day 3
1 more fertilized on day 2!

The embryologist, Katlynn, told me that I will not get another call until they can tell me the big picture, which will be on Tuesday because of the late bloomer yesterday. So I will give an update then. No news is good news until then.

So we are pulling for 4, possibly 5 little Diiorios. We hope that with my free spirit, Stef's "Iron Man" will, and the help of CCRM's world class lab, the chosen one(s) will find their way into our lives.

Fertilization update

Hi everyone! Thanks for the touching comments and emails and caring support. We're on our way out so a quick update from the lab at CCRM. Robin, an embryologist there called to tell me that:

Of the 8 eggs they took out, they worked with 5 and 2 more are being watched for maturity.
Of they 5 they tried to fertize, 3 got fertilized and a fourth one they will check on at day 3
Of the two eggs they are watching for maturity, they will try to fertilize today.

So we have 3 embryos for sure right now. We chose to go ahead with day 5 genetic testing, so let's really pull for these 3 little Diiorios.

Gr8 Rerieval

As I lay here dosy, in my breezy, sunlight hotel room, I can't help but be flabbergasted at the difference between my two retrieval experiences, here and Calgary.

This morning, I was greeted by a kind nurse, Liz, who lead me from the two story, ultra-modern waiting room where Stef sat eating an apple, to the surgical area. She gave me a container to put all my belongings in, which in turn had all I would need for the procedure. My booties and a WARM gown and blanket. She then ushered me to my own, private pre-op room, where she helped me settle into my bed. Upon laying down, she proceeded to prep me for my IV which included light hearted chit chat and a hot towel wrapped around the arm in which the IV went. She used lidocane to numb my hand and made sure it didn't hurt. After being all hooked up and nowhere to go, Stef was brought in to keep me company and to meet the OR nurse, the anesthesiologist and Dr.G, who did the retrieval itself. When everyone was gone, I let him clip on the finger heart rate monitor. His heart rate was HALF that of mine. I guess that gives away who went running after pizza and ice cream the other day.

He called out loving cheers as the bed was wheeled into the OR. The last thing I remember was the lights on the OR ceiling and saying "am I already on something?" as I was sure the promised preliminary sedative to the anesthetic was kicking in. Not a second later, I swam up to the break of consciousness when the anathesiologist was making sure I'm awake. The next hour was spent in bliss, as a blanket, kept warm by hot air being blown into it, kept me cozy as nurses kept checking on me. Stef was at my bed side telling me how wonderful I looked. Maybe.....the fluids in the IV took 10 years off my face. As bliss melted to a groggy high, I was slowly assisted off the bed and onto a chair. I was shocked not to be bleeding. Liz kept shooting the IV with pain meds as the cramping started to hit. A sweet embryologist, Anne, came out to let us know that they got out 8 eggs!! And that all looks good on Stef's end. We will be notified of the progress of the little ones every morning. After some paper work, pop and crackers that Stef enjoyed, I was caringly wheeled outside. I got home and slept for 3 hours. We are now on the bed and looking for where to go eat because I can actually walk. If I wasn't a bit stoned, I would not know anything had happened to me.

In Calgary, the prep area was not private, the nurses were bitchy, the IV took 5 tries with no numbing, I was pumped with only a sedative that made me drift off while they set up the OR but was rudely woken by the doctor who told me not to jump when she stabs the needle through the viginl wall. I didn't jump, but I felt it - both times...along with everything else. The first embryologist was annoyed and the another one was rude. I bled profusely and was in pain for days and could not sit properly for three weeks. Same procedure.....but like butchers over there. There is no place like this clinic. I could not be happier or more impressed. We paid more, but I never knew that humanity costs money.

Trigger Happy

I'm gonna get a shot in the ass in 45 minutes. You IVFers know what I'm talking about. Yes! It's trigger night. For you non-IVFers, you may need more than that. 36 hours before we ovulate, our own bodies naturally trigger ovulation with the hCG hormone. It matures the egg and frees it from the follicle. During an IVF cycle though, a shot in the ass delivers the hCG hormone and the eggs are retieved 35 hours later, just an hour before they would come out on their own. That makes my retieval at 9 am on Tuesday. Just so glad I will be out for this one. I saw and felt everything in Calgary. Those people are butchers. Follie line up this morning was:

23, 22, 19,18,18,16.4, 12, 11.6, 11.5, 9, 8. Looks like 6, maybe 7 eggs. Guess what....two of them grew 4mm over night. That's crazy!! must have been the frozen Greek yogurt....I did go back for more...the follies told me to. So if more grow 4 mm over night, I might have 9 eggs. That would be awesome.

Stef is here !! he had an exhausting trip here so he's already sleeping. Not before going for pizza, ice cream and a bolw of popcorn back in our room which I brought home for him from the street market in Boulder. One of us is running tomorrow, and one of us is not. I'll let you figure that one out.

The timing of the retrieval is perfect...it let's Stef get settled in and get his bearings and gives my friend from Cali and I some time to catch up. I just hope I'm not woozy or throw up like last time after this shot.

I may not post again untill after the retrival. I will be so happy to drink coffee and wine again. Hopefully there will be champange in store for us at the end of the week!!

Where's the Party!

OK enough winning. Endless gratitude for all your support. I did have a tough day yesterday but I refused to do it again. As I finish my salad at the "White Chocolate Grill" in Park Meadows tonight, I reflect on the day. Here's how it went down. I got all glammed up and decided to hit Boulder after the clinic. Went for my daily appointment and here is today's follie line up:

21, 20, 17, 16.5, 15, 14.5, 11, 9, 8.5, 7, 6 (at >22 or <15 they are unusable)

So here's the weird part. All of the ones on the left overy grew the expected 2mm and all of the ones on the right did not budge, actually, they shrank. AND, we have two that showed up for the party, but very unsociably late. They will sit in the corner drinking Gonal wine, watching everyone else having fun on the drugs.

So here's some relief. Egg retrieval will not be on Monday YEY! Can't wait to get hubby at the airport tomorrow and show him what I got him today in Nederland. Oh Right....back to my day. I found the most amazing thing in Nederland....an insiration...and perhaps a little something to keep me going through all of this. They reconstructed an Carousel from 1910, put it in a building and now it's a museum with an indoor Carousel ride. For only a $1 per ride, I couldn't resist. I rode the Zebra. All three times. Between the second and third time, I visited their puppet room, upstairs in the attic. I was in heaven. I love those little cove attic rooms, and I told that to the little puppet on my hand. Hey, what happens in the puppet room, stays in the puppet room. Then one more ride on the Carousel. While I was gliding up and down, round and round, I felt like a kid and a mother all at the same time. It made me laugh and then cry and then laugh again. The name of the Carousel was "Carousel of Happiness". Then it dawned on me. Maybe I was brought here today to cheer my soul, or to bring me some solace in that magic attic room. Or maybe because there will be some happiness at the end of this little merry-go-round too.

Diary of an Egg Farmer

The perils of egg farming is that you drop and break some. And that's what may happen in my case. I have to admit that I pressured my doctor to put me on high doses of follicle stimulating meds in hopes of getting more eggs this time to mature. She did, and instead of getting more mature eggs, we got less eggs overall, some overcooked, and some raw. Sorry about that. Too tired for better imagery. Maybe the same result would have occured had I been on a different protocol, but here is the measurement of all the follicles (egg is inside each follicle) that they are tracking. These are in millimeters. They grow 2 millimeters per day, and I get an ovulation trigger shot when they are 20mm, and retrieval is at 22 mm, 36 hours later, before I actually ovulate. That's the point - egg retrieval, not egg hunt. Here are my follies, from largest to smallest

18.5, 18, 17.5, 16, 14.5, 13, 11, 10, 8

They have to be at least 15 mm by retrieval to get a decently mature egg. So if they grow 2 mm per day and my retrieval is on Monday morning, TWO days early, the line up is:

22.5, 22, 21.5, 21, 18.5, 17, 14, 12. So it looks like 5 eggs, maybe 6, as the first and last would be unusable. Dropped and broken.

We came to Denver to get a baby (or two), not neccessarily more eggs than in Calgary (8 there) . But one usually goes with the other. So this reality, along with having to dish out $500 to have Stef fly out here sooner, my friend from California coming on the day of the retrival for 'the visit of the century' and me feeling like superb shit, I had a little cry today. But talked to hubby and my friend E, who set me straight. All is better.

Thanks for all your advice on where to go and what to see and where to eat everyone! I have loved Denver so far. Went to the 16th street Walking Mall today but it's funny how something is fun for only so long when you're by yourself and not feeling well. I truly wish I felt up to leaving the hotel to get a milkshake. I've been thinking about it all day. I haven't been waking up at 5am since I got here and between the cumulative sleep deprivation, hormone overload and stomach ulcer, I can only dream of a milkshake.

Thank you for reading this and for listening. It's good company knowing you're on the other side as I sit in an abandoned hotel lobby because my bed was starting to feel like an iron. It's friday night....I would usually have just put the birds to bed and my hubby would be calling from our TV room what's taking me so long to join him. Don't remember what's on TV on friday nights, but I do know he'd be on the other couch. Just within arms reach. Instead of wresling for the remote, chatting during commercials or hearing him eat his favorite snack - a shiny Granny Smith apple that I always buy for him, I'm sitting alone in a quiet hotel, counting my eggs before they hatch. Silly, silly girl.

Follie Folly

My IVF gals know that a 'follie' is our term for a follicle. In IVF it all starts with glowing follicles, which in turn have an egg in then. On the other hand, according to Wikipedia:

"A folly is a building constructed primarily for decoration, but either suggesting by its appearance some other purpose, or merely so extravagant that it transcends the normal range of garden ornaments or other class of building to which it belongs"

So, it turns out I have 8 dominant ornaments and two small ones. And they do transcend the normal range. They are extravagant and growing fast. Faster than expected, so I'm hoping they will take my meds down and let some small follies catch up, rather than change my egg retrieval day to sooner. That would suck. So just waiting for the call from the nurse.

As for being Denver, it rocks. Literally...can see the mountains from my room. Love it. And I am very impressed with how well I did to get here. Big pat on my back. As I reflect, from the last negative result in November to now, it's exactly 5 months. The amount of paper work, phone calls, panic, running around and 90 !!! e-mails with my nurse, I'm here. I'm even more impressed how long it took me to sneak in a shiny new pair of Nine West pumps from DSW last night. Hadn't even unpacked yet! There are so many cool places to eat and shop here, I don't know what to do with myself. At this moment though, a nap is in store.

Thank you all for advice about my follies. It helped. And I get to have dinner with IVFlygirl tonight. How great is that!!

Need HELP! From my IVF followers.....

Hi ladies...I've been stiming for three days now with Gonal and Menopure on the microdose Lupron protocol. I had my fist follicle count and lining at home today before I leave for Denver tomorrow. They can only see 6-7 dominant follicles in total. My ER is a week from tomorrow....can I hope for more follicles to catch up? Or is this it? Freaking a bit.

For once and for all

A little update, and with some extra detail for my non-IVF followers, as I've had some questions lately.

I leave for Denver on Wednesday, March 30th.
This is a trip only to take my eggs out, which happens on April 6th. Once they do that, I go home. They fertilize and grow them for 5 days. They cannot live past day 5 outside the body so they freeze them. Before they freeze them though, they take out one cell from each of them to run a chromosomal test on, to see if there are any genetic abnormalities. Those that are normal will be ready for a transfer back to my womb once I come back yet again. That will not be till sometime in the summer. I am excited to leave and get settled over there. Stef is joining me the night before the egg retrieval.

Here is the small print, and also important to understand. There are no guarantees here. At every stage of all this, there could be happiness or despair. I hope we end up with at least one or two normal 'blastocyst' (that's what they are called on day 5). That may not happen. I don't want to think or even write about the worst, but it is a possibility and it happens. I have to have faith in what is meant to be. My fate/destiny beliefs will have to engage hard here, because by middle of April, we will know how our little guys did over there. For now, I'll quietly take my 4 injections a day, pop my handful of herbs and pills, and wisper to the eggs that are about to dance for their life, that this isn't a dress rehearsal. But I'll be happy to take you to one in about 5 years.

The girl that brought me to tears

Walking accross the Starbucks parking lot today I passed a woman who was stressfully gathering her two kids our of her vehicle, while fighting the violent, wet wind we had today. It was so ugly out and she looked so frazzled, that I wondered why she decided to go to Starbucks with her two kids at all. The boy was about 4-5 and the little girl was about 2, just started walking. I noticed her in line infront of me ordering steamers for her kids but was busy aligning my day in my head, as my trip out of town was cancelled due to the weather. As I was trying to convert a steamer of my own into a healthy hot chocolate by spinkling cocoa into it, time froze when I looked at those kids again. The boy, now having collected his steamer from the bar, or his mom, was quietly and obediently sipping it, standing in everyone's way. But it was the little girl that yanked at my heart and soul. Her cute blonde upright ponytail quivered like an antenna as she looked up and pondered what her mom was doing, so inoccently observing her every move. She looked lost, stading there by herself as her mom scrambled for this or that between counters, but there was a confident and trusting resolve in the awe in her little face. I noticed a little drop of milk foam on her coat.

Emotion swept over me but I had to finish convincing my hot chocolate it was a steamer with chocolate sprinkles and hit the road again. I had two hours of work to do in 45 minutes and appreciated the need to move on. So it's no wonder that I found myself in unstopable tears in my gym later on that night. As I was lifting a 25 lb weight over my head, that little girl flashed into my mind. A few minutes later, Stef came into the gym because apparently, he was the only one who could hear my sobs over "Finger Eleven" on my iPod. To this moment, I'm not completely convinced I know why there was such a strong emotional back lash to that little girl. Maybe because I haven't grieved not being able to have kids normally, or maybe ever, for some time now. Maybe because her inoccence and awe together were so beautiful. Or maybe because I desperately wanted to grab a brown Starbucks napking and slowly, kindly, wipe that milk foam off her coat. But I didn't. That's what mothers do.

Little Update

Well, it's official. I am on a plane to Denver on March 30! and coming back on April 9th. I got my calendar from my nurse, have collected all my meds (thanks Brenda, Lisa and Jamie)and started on the birth control pill to supress my reproductive system.....the first of many medications and hormones over the next four weeks. What I'm liking about the Pill is that it is supressing my appetite. So maybe I'll accomplish my weight loss goal after all. So I'm looking forward to getting there and having some time off to focus on just this. AND one of my very best friends is coming to visit all the way from California for a day...so I'm pummed. The flights are booked...mine on points, yey, and 3/10 nights on points as well. That took some juggling to coordinate. Stef is joining me on the 5th, just before the egg retrieval.

Here is the small print. Let's hope the birth control pill is strong enough to supress my ovaries, because if I grow an egg for ovulation, I ain't goin nowhere. The whole thing gets canceled and postponed. This is rare, but a possibility. I find that out on the 23rd. Also, once in Denver, there is a small chance that the eggs that I grew to get retrieved ovulate on their own before they have a chance to get them out. We don't want that at all. Again, it's rare but happens.

Let's keep our fingers crossed! I did get cancelation insurance for the flights....da.

How Ironic

As I put my banana bread in the oven tonight....I realized something. I can't wait for my period. I am counting the seconds....tic toc....any minute now....and the checkered flag is flown for my cycle with Colorado to start. How ironic....most women making babies are devastated to get their period. I'll be rejoicing. It gets better.....since I will be injecting at home this time, I needed to clear a drawer in my dresser to make room for all the needles and drugs. The only drawer I could spare to vacate is my lingerie drawer. So my baby making LaSenza numbers are being replaced by baby making hormones shot out of the end of a pointy object. My special collection now has the temporary residence of the special basement. As for weight, most women have a little fun while they are trying to get pregnant and enjoy the foods they usually stay away from....all this to get a little fluffy and send warm fuzzies to the uterus, that all is A-OK on the body fat front. I cannot do that....on the contrary, I have to lose weight, so my pants fit after the injections. I can wear Lulu Lemons to my egg retrieval, but not to work 4 days later. So my 6:30 am appointment with 25 lb weights started a week ago and my 8:30 pm appointments with a bowl of popcorn to yet another kernel spitting episode of Two and a Half men have ceased completely. Apparently banana bread dough at 8:45pm is perfectly acceptable though.

IVF is many things. Tonight, it's ironic. As I put away some of my favorite pieces in that drawer, it felt sad, weird and funny at the same time. I guess that would be a good definition for irony - sad, weird and funny. I am anticipating my period with glee, packed away my lingerie, and hit the treadmill and hard weights.....just like any other woman trying to get pregnant right?

First day of the rest of my life

The 80's band Glass Tiger had a song called "The Thin Red Line". Remember? The first line of the song goes "the hands of time have spoken". Well, they sure have for us.......for the the thin PINK line anyways. It was just confirmed that I will be in Denver at the end of March, with my cycle beginning on March 6th. The reality of this being our second and only shot at having kids really daunted me today. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that course of my life will be determined by me nervously walking up to a white stick and counting the number of lines on it. One or two. If you really think about it.....that is a bizarre way of charting your direction in life. But that's what this will boil down to. During our cycle in Calgary, we knew that we were going to try twice so I never thought about this. Now the second time is here and the finality of it is weighing very heavy. In the meantime, I am focusing on doing this right. I need to lose some weight before I go, as fast on the heels of pumping myself with horomones is a three week trip to pasta heaven...Rome. So let's start behind the 8-ball ladies. Also, I will be on the birth control pill, 5 injected hormones, a steroid, and an antibiotic in March so I will be turning to yoga and accupucture to encourage sanity to stick around. One of my fellow CCRMers gave me a box of her left over syringes and needles...hey what are friends for right?....turns out I will be needing all of them and more....I checked out the needle length.....why did I do that?...and I spent some time this weekend literally labling the tops of all my drugs and clearing a drawer in my dresser for the needles, as this time I'll be injecting at home....morning and night.....yey!! The C train in Calgary and the port-a-potty at Cirque du Soleil were over the top places to have to take my meds.

As my thoughts drift back to the stick with the lines on it......I just don't like the feeling that I don't get to chose. The stick does. All I can do is get ready for either count. One or two. One....we travel and pursue our career goals....Two....a whirlwind of all that parenthood brings...I consider myself lucky either way. And that road forks on March 6th.

Chin up! big smile! keep going!

Today I found out that my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone has not come back down from the Chlomid challenge, and as a matter of fact, went up even further. A TSH over 3.0 will compromise chances of pregnancy and carrying the baby. I chimed in at 5.6. So I have to go on meds. I'm not thrilled about this, but am greatful that it was discovered. That's the cool thing about this....CCRM wanted a TSH and T4 tested. My TSH got tested, coming in at 1.9 a month ago. But the T4 was missed by the lab. So I had to get the T4 tested the same day I was getting my post Chlomid tests, and the TSH came with it - it's a package. Low and behold, TSH was up. 4.1. And three weeks later, 5.6. For once, I'm clueless. I know -  shocker.

What remains is that my chances of having a baby just improved because some lab tech was a mixed up.

What a beautiful Calendar

First, I wanted to thank two of my blog angels who offered their left over medications for my cycle and saved us thousands of dollars. And a friend who will collect them in the States for me. You know who you are, and you know how much this means...thank you ever so much.

I have been waiting for this day since I left my one day work up at CCRM in December. I went home with a binder and homework that most of you have had to witness all through January. Today my nurse was faxed my last test - a physical exam - and rewarded me with my calendar for March. This calendar was music to my eyes, since I've been itching to know what my last march towards pregnancy will look like. Oh look - a pregnancy march in March. Cute eh? I will be flying there around March 30th. (hopefully no more conflicts with work...might have one right at that time...won't know until next week for sure...fingers crossed) My protocol looks completely different than in Calgary - no nasal spray that puts me into menapause - MAN! how backwards that was compared to Colorado - I will be on more meds but for a shorter period of time. As my doctor said this morning when she looked at all the prescriptions: "Boy...you're going to be an emotional roller coaster". I didn't do too bad last time but she said this time will be different because there is more of them at once and at higher doses. That is why I am turning to yoga again. As I say on the left - I have joined a yoga class - Ashtanga. It's alarmingly hard - I almost cried in the last class and it took me a week to recover from the first class. Soooo...will be trying a different form of it....need the meditative/mental health/stretching/ying yang componet of yoga more so than  the 'when will this be over' kind. I am also looking forward to and excited to be going to Rome with my husband in May. I will be meeting his family for the first time, including his 90 year old Nona. We wanted to go before we had kids so the timing worked out. I know that the " where is the babino " thing will come up, or "perque non vogliamo il bambino" (I'm doing different homework now)  "Proviamo" will be my response. It means "we're trying". That we are.

Needles and cents

A girl always loves to shop. Don't we? How about shopping for $4500 worth of meds you'll have to inject in yourself. How about shopping for meds to inject in yourself and then driving across the border to the States to get them. Thank goodness my friend Brenda lives 5 minutes across the border and is helping me and that my job takes me to that region of the province anyways. We save $400 in the end so it all worked out well. For you CCRMers, Gonal-f is a steal at Freedom, while Menopur and Pregnyl is a steal at Alexanders. I will be getting the pill, antibiotics and copious syringes and needles at my local pharmacy. I talked to my nurse today and we're on track for the end of March (remember, I only leave my eggs and go home in March. Possible pregnancy will not be until summer when I return for the good embryos) I have two tests left: my physical exam and TSH (thyroid). Once those two things are done, I pick up my egg-growing meds in the States and I'm locked and loaded!....never a dull moment in the journey to find little Diiorios.

What's Up Doc?

We were excited to talk to our doctor, Dr. Minjarez, on the phone today. The point of the conversation was for her to look at all the results of all the the tests in the pasts month. She was very happy with all the results and said we were great candidates not only for IVF, but to push our embryos to day 5 - which I'm nervous about but hopeful and excited too. Pushing the embryos to day 5 is the ticket - not only because they can only be genetically tested at day 5, but it means they lived that long outside the body and therefore are strong and have a chance. In Calgary, we had to do a day 3 transfer because only 1 of 8 embryos lived to day 3 properly. So it's scary to think of pushing our luck to day 5, but we have much more confidence in this clinic. Oh! did I mention I will be on FOUR injections?! Yes, not always at the same time, but it will be a needle fest for sure. In the month of February, we'll be focusing on getting my medications from the States and getting ready to go to Denver. I will be there the last week of March (possibly April instead) and going home after the egg retrieval. Please don't add 9 months to March in your head. This is IMPORTANT - unlike Calgary, I will NOT be coming home possibly pregnant. I leave my eggs behind and get on a plane. I will have a frozen embryo transfer at a later date - sometime in the summer. Thanks for following and till next time....!!

Montreal and Denver don't mix

Thanks for your comments! LisainSK asked what my AMH came in at. AMH, or anti-mullein hormone measures egg reserve. CCRM likes to see it at 1.1, and mine came in at 1.1. So right on the border! Also, I talked to my nurse today - she truly this wonderful, young, sweet, pretty lady that I am so fornunate to have at my beck and call during all of this. Anyways, she let me know that based on all of my results, Dr. Minjarez has chosen a protocol for me (the drugs I will take and the time line) so we went through what February will potentially look like. It turns out that the day I would have to have an ultrasound for my injections falls on a day that I will be at a National Meeting in Montreal. So, we're set to go in March instead. To be honest, I'm relieved. I want to go as soon as possible, but also feel that I need a break after this crazy month. And my eggs need a rest - after all, they're about to be put in one basket!

Day 10 results are in!!

First of all, thanks to all od you who felt my pain at the thought of my post clomid serum melting in Memphis. I really appreciate all your good vibes and support. So, thank goodness I was tracking the serum on FedEx. I called them as soon as I saw that it was stuck - sure enough - they would have let it sit there and melt all weekend if I hadn't called. I cant't even imagine it. FedEx was actually good about it all and so was CCRM, setting it all up to get it there for Saturday morning. FedEx also put it in a cold storage until it was on the move again! IT GOT THERE SAFE AND FROZEN on Saturday morning. Yey! It got tested today and the result is: FSH:7.5! My day 3 was 6.5! What all this means is that even after the clomid "stressed" my reproductive hormones to uncover a disguised high FSH, it was proven that my beautiful 6.5 FSH is the true one, which at the end of the day means that I have descent egg reserve and quality. Once the FSH is close to 10, you are not a good candidate for IVF. So this good news. And, as usual, here's the BUT. My estrogen and Leutinizing Hormone was through the roof. That is expected after a clomid challenge, but mine was through the roof of the building next door. We are talking about my estrogen level having multiplied by a factor of 11. That may not have an impact on anything. I'll be talking to my nurse about that tomorrow morning. For now, let's celebrate me passing the clomid test, having good egg reserve and quality and that we are still on schedule to cycle in February! Now, to keep my egg quality up, let me go to bed early and to swallow my fist full of herbs. Royal jelly, wheat grass and CoQ Enzyme, here I come!

Cause and Effect

Just when I thought I could relax, that all the stress of the tests is over.....the bomb went off. I was tracking my Day 10 and Stef's serum by FedEx on line and noticed it not moving after it cleared customs. I called them and was told that the plane that was supposed to deliver it today has mechanical difficulties and it won't get there till Monday. I totally freaked on the phone.....very politely. If that's even possible. I explained how imparitive it is to either keep it frozen or get it there for Saturday morning. I got a call a couple hours later saying that they have it in cold storage and are trying to get it on a flight for the next day. I still haven't seen it move but at least it's in cold storage. The serum better stay frozen. So let's keep our fingers crossed. This could jeapordize my chances to cycle next month, with possibly having to repeat the clomid challenge. Yikes

Speaking of my Clomid challenge......some good news!! My Day 3 and Day 10 FSH is the SAME!!! at least on the Canadian side. What they find in Colorado should be same, even if the actuall value is a bit higher - it went right back down on day 10 - VERY good news. This means that my normal FSH is the true FSH, which means my egg quantity and quality are descent. Again, a big BUT. My estrogen was off the chart - it multiplied by a factor of 10. They expect it to have increased - not by that much. So we'll see what they say about that. The thing that really upset me about today, was that when I had my Day 10 blood drawn, I had to get my T4 (thyroid hormone) drawn as well, because it was missed during the last course of tests I had taken. My Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) was tested back then and it was normal. When my T4 was tested along with my Day 10, my doctor needlessly ticked off TSH again as well. So when my TSH came back for the second time, along with my Day 10s, it was through the roof. My nurse in Colorado called me about it. She said that I have to get it retested because if it's even close to this last value I'm going to have to go on thyroid medication. I can't believe this. Clomid affects the pituitary gland and increases all hormones, including TSH. I suggested it was becasue of the Clomid, but they needed rested anyways. So now I am going for my THIRD thyroid test, because someone missed checking off a box.

My message to the masses this evening is.....ALWAYS check on other people's work....and don't care if it insults them or not. It's your ass, your blood, your time, your God knows what on the line and everyone is prone to making a mistake every minute of the day. Especially busy people in the medical profession. Thanks for keeping me company as I decompress from a very stressful day.....and oh did I mention I whipped up a Tiramisu cake for family we had over for dinner? don't ask how much of it I ate.....

Enough Already!!

OK, I've had it. The testing is done (let's hope it all gets to the states the way it should) and just in time. We went for the last (knock on wood) of our blood tests yesterday to a lab who knew what was up and was willing to assemble and ship the kits to Colorado. The nurse did a great job of a complicated task with one exception. She didn't read the instructions on how much blood she was supposed to take from Stef for one of the tests, and ended up taking more than twice the amount she was supposed to - in oversized tubes. Oh, and two full ones were already on the table. Stef turned green even before the plug was pulled. It wasn't pretty - he didn't recover until I dug out a biscotti I had gotten him a month ago out of my purse. Now I know why I kept forgetting to give it to him. He spent that morning at work replenishing his red blood cell count. As for me, the blood tests were a breeze but then there's the mammogram. I was warned about how painful it would be...so I went in pretty psyched. It was my first time, so me and my girls were pretty weirded out by the tech grabbing me all over my chest and shoulders to align my body into this machine that squeezeed the crap out of them. I actually didn't find it painfull at all......so you can imagine my suprise when a fainting spell hit me....by the last picture I was barely hanging onto consciousness and had to focus through the stars to not fall when the vice let me go. Was that bizzare.

So now just waiting to hear that it all got to the states. Then we're scott free. Good....cause green is not Stef's color.