On fate and flies

Sometimes I am going on about my business in my kitchen when I notice a fly buzzing up against the inside of the window. Always somewhat of a philosopher and not a fly swatter owner, I stop what I'm doing and contemplate the fly. I think for a moment what it must be like, to be trying to satisfy its greatest instinct - to fly towards light - but having this unseen obstacle in the way. It cannot understand that no matter how many times it tries to fly into the light and outside, it will never happen. When I combine the fly's frustration and the tragedy of it all, I grab a glass, cup the fly, carefully slide an envelope under the mouth of the glass, and walk towards the door. Then something very interesting happens. The fly thinks it's going to die. It panics inside the glass, convinced something terrible is about to happen......and then it's free. Some unknown and not well understood force came along and changed its course. To the fly, I do not exist....but I am the reason it was able to satisfy the most powerful basic instinct. Life.

In many ways, I feel like that fly up agaist the window. Buzzing into un unseen obstacle to satisfy my most basic instinct......nurturing. Coupled with the fact that I have allowed my career to be stunted while we wait to see what happens with IVF, I feel like my head is hitting that window on a lot of levels. If a fly's dead end can be altered by something it doesn't see or understand, why can't ours. Is it possible that at some point, all of us get cupped against the window we are banging our head against and are gently moved to a place we can finally soar? I don't see why not. If a fly deserves it....so do we. And I hope I will be soaring soon. This window is getting to me. My life is beyond it. I can see it but can't get to it. One way or another, this transfer in Denver will be my cup.