All Roads Lead to Romania

This a true story about friendship, motherhood and saying good bye

"There she is" I thought when I turned the corner. I had been on the lookout for her and finally saw her. She was the woman I had seen walking a twin stroller everyday in my neighbourhood when I was pregnant. It was May, Livi was less than two months old and it had finally gotten nice enough to start going for walks. And I had hoped to run into her. She had a head of thick raven black hair, olive complexion and wore styles telling of the old country. I wondered where she was from, knowing she must be a grandmother, here for a short time to help with the twins. She had a devoted, determined way about the way she walked those kids everyday. The more often I saw her, the more curious I became. And there she was...only a block ahead of me now. She was doing a good clip herself so it took a few blocks to catch up. Our sidewalks are wide enough for only one stroller, so I was on the road. "Hi" I called out to her when we were side by side. She looked at me, returned my social grace, looked ahead and resumed her daily walk. I was disappointed. She didn't want to chat for only one of two reasons, I thought. She was not interested in making friends while she was here, or the more likely, didn't speak English. Being a European immigrant, I am naturally curious about other Europeans which she very apparently was. I was dying to know from where....perhaps close to the Czech Republic where I grew up. When she had to cross the road, I pushed my stroller up to hers and motioned that I would like to see the kids she was strolling, as one last effort to reach out. Twin boys, fraternal, one year older than Livi. She looked inside my bassinet and was thrilled to see a girl. "Elena" she introduced herself....."Romania". And there it was. "No English" she said with a smile. I waved my hand and said "Czechoslovakian". And so we walked together. Our chatter took off with the the flavor of two old friends getting to know each other again. By the time we got to the next block, I learned that the boys were her son's and the result of IVF. One try in Calgary didn't work, so they went to Denver. And here they are. Michael and Lukas. I burst out laughing, telling her that was my journey with Olivia, exactly. What were the chances. Turns out she knew more English than she bashfully let on, and between my Slavic roots, the Italian I recently learned and the French I remember from school, we were able to get along just fine. She was here for six months, hopefully extended to one year, to babysit the twins. Her and her husband were living with her son and his wife who have been in Canada for 7 years and are both Engineers. In Romania was her other son and his wife who have a little boy and were expecting. A mother of two boys and a grandmother of three boys, "Espiro" a girl she said with a smile. When we strolled by her house to say good bye, she put her hand on her chest and said "my pleasure". I saw her walking again the next day when I drove to the store. She stopped me and handed me an adorable bonnet she crocheted for Olivia the night before. She was special, like I had always known. And so began a friendship that completely altered everything I thought I knew about motherhood, friendship and myself.

 The summer was filled with friendly knocks on my door with offerings of fresh vegetables from her garden, or something she baked or knitted, followed by a stroll with the kids under the canopy of trees in our neighbourhood. I would often stop by her place after Livi's morning nap, enjoying Romanian hospitality shaded by an enormous apple tree in their yard. (She saw me picking the apples off the branches, and started bringing apples over everyday). Livi would nap or watch the boys play in silent wonder. I would bring my iPad along, packing a Romanian Translator app, to help with the gossip. I was so tickled by that language. Knowing a Slavic and a Romantic language enabled me to understand a good chuck of what she said, as Romanian is partly both. Lacing as much as she could with English and using more animation than normal, we never had a problem getting each other. As a matter of fact, the effort of understanding and being understood was a very welcome challenge and in part a core reason why our friendship was so much fun. I enjoyed learning as much Romanian as I could and sat back in wonder at how much English she worked at absorbing. People wondered how it is that we could be friends when there is such a language barrier. Funny....I have a much worse language barrier with some people who speak perfect English. We got each other, and shared many laughs, sometimes, with only one word spoken.

Then the hammer fell. During the summer Elena announced to me, very sadly, that her son will be separating. It's amicable and will happen in the fall when he finds a place to live. She will live with him to help with the boys while her husband goes back to Romania at the end of September and will wait there for her return the following March (now). After a family dispute that ended badly in early September, the separation was on. Elena, her son and husband moved out of the house and into a two bedroom basement apartment also not far from where I live. This new arrangement posed much disappointment and heart ache for Elena, as she was stuck in a basement apartment by herself all day, no longer watching the boys full time...only on weekends....and she could no longer walk over for a leisurely visit. It was too far in the cold. But somehow....we made it work.

They didn't have a phone line, so winter was spent planning one visit at a time, either ahead of time, texting her son or calling her neighbour. She would romance me with that old fashioned European cooking that I miss so much. We even exchanged a couple of choice recipes. After lunch, I'd take her shopping or running errands with Livi and I. I loved her company and she was brilliant with Livi, who was always over the moon to see her. She treated Livi like her own, always full of hugs, kisses and loving chatter in Romanian. Livi would smile, laugh and give herself to Elena as freely as she did to me or Stef. When the three of us were together, she had Livi under her wing the whole time. . A retired kindergarten teacher and a grandmother of infant twins, she had AMAZING energy, patience and tenacity with kids. I wish I could play with Livi the way she does......she had an incredible imagination. It wasn't long until we simply felt like family. She often told me that I am like a daughter to her..... and an angel....someone sent to her to be a friend and help her cope with the hardship her situation here had become. I felt the same way...it was wonderful to have fun with a friend and help with Livi at the same time.

I introduced her to the many joys of living in a Canadian town, including ethnic cuisine (which includes Starbucks). "Interesant" she gave a nod to her butter chicken while enjoying Indian food for the first time at 61 years old. Being a genius with a crochet hook, I got her some work crocheting hats and mitts for two childrens' stores. She liked the extra money, which she was quick to spend at Value Village on the boys. It's basically a large indoor garage sale, where the items are donated by the general public....people too busy to have their own garage sale. A place of wonder for her, as garage sales don't exist in Romania. She called it "Vilue Village" and we went every Tuesday, because of the senior's discount. I admit......I started having fun there. Livi loved all the stuff to look at and as for clothes, shoes and toys for kids...it was amazing what people dropped off. Sometimes practically new stuff, for next to nothing. The dollar store was also a frequented stop. We had a good laugh at Dollarama at Christmas time. She picked up a festive place mat, pointed to Santa Clause and said "Santa Clock". It's an inside joke til today. For Christmas, I got her a coffee cup with clocks on it. To remember Santa Clock and her time with Livi and I.

I'll never forget the time she introduced Livi to chocolate. Lindt Chocolate. We couldn't even get the wrapper out of her hand for an hour.

Shortly before she left, we Skyped her family back in Romania and it was apparent how much she missed them and how happy she will be to be back home....and to see the granddaughter she had 4 months ago...Suria. It made me feel better about saying good-bye, but it didn't make it easier. A week ago, Livi and I joined her family to say our farewells at the airport. I have been in denial about her absence all week, keeping busy with all the things Livi and I love to do together. Every time I see her on Skype now, I realize how far away she it, what she meant to us, and how much I miss her. She is my friend, and Livi's little buddy. She always calls Livi her 'dolce'....her sweet.

The boobie trap and other addictions

False alarm. Thank goodness. My previous post was panic stricken over the possibility of Livi self weaning herself when in fact is was the birth control pill I was on for just one day....it had turned her off. I can't believe how one tiny tablet can change so much in one's body....and my baby's desire to breastfeed. No more pill....and back to dealing with that pesky monthly visitor who over stays her welcome. Don't care....Livi and I are back on track. She is sick with a cough right now and being able to nurse her when she can't sleep and is feeling icky, knowing she's getting the nutrition she needs when she doesn't want to eat, her falling asleep in my arms....so happy to be able to give her that.

As for other updates:

We have three teeth....the third one on top surprised me! got a glimpse of it during a diaper change and freaked out. Had no idea it was there. She had been smacking but no previous signs of teething...
Her two favorite things in the world are the same as Daddy's two favorite things in the world: Dairy Queen ice cream and Granny Smith apples. Serious. Stef eats two a day and Livi freaks out when he doesn't share. It was cute at the beginning:

But now it's out of control. She grabs, steal and swipes them whenever she can, dangerously getting a piece of the apples' skin in her mouth a few times. So, every night when daddy has one, Livi gets her very own, skinned, Granny Smith:

Her other addiction is walking. NOT ONE person ever talked to me about this. The process of how they learn to walk. I am fascinated by how gradual and methodical it is. Takings MONTHS from being able to stand while held, to standing on their own leaning on something, to being able to put one foot in front of the other while being held, to leading YOU around the house while holding your hands. Currently, Livi reaches out for our hands, knowing she needs support and walks from interesting place to interesting place in the house (had no idea each corner and crevice in the house had its own magic) She is now able to walk holding only one hand

It truly is the sweetest thing....she loves to talk and sing as she pitter patters around. I have no idea when she will take her first step on her own....again....no one ever talks about this process. As well, all babies are different. She can stand on her own for a second before losing her balance....so who knows. Maybe by her birthday in early April.

Her favorite hang out is her crib, where she can stand, walk around and play with the books in her bookcase.



Our favorite stop on the daily house tour is.....her other addiction....her shoe collection:

Shoe "pic" of the month:



Where did we get these little numbers? The savvy mommy never tells.

The heart is behind the breast

I lost it today. Before I had my baby and truly appreciated all that breastfeeding brought to my life just even from an emotional aspect, I had NO IDEA what women were talking about, using words like "sad" when describing their weaning experience.

I'm not sad....I'm certifiable. Someone should lock me up. I actually got upset with Livi tonight for rejecting me and let her cry in her crib for a while.....walking away angry, frustrated and feeling rejected of all stupid things. It wasn't long before she was in my arms again but the whole thing was just not very mature. Even though she still nurses alot during the night, she has been weaning herself VERY gradually from her daytime feedings. Starting with keeping all her feedings but only one breast, to cutting down some feedings all together, to now....not taking the breast at all as part of her night time routine. That shocked me and left me helpless. She's crying, frustrated that on one hand, something is missing at the moment, but on the other, she is rolling away from me on the bed where we read a book and nurse before sleep. We were both very upset. That's when I, being more of a child than she is, tried to force the feed and sulked when I didn't get my way. Sorry Livi...mommy needs to get a grip.

Breastfeeding to every mother is as individual as the people and the babies themselves. No one will ever feel about it or have the same experience as anyone else. More importantly, I have learned, to never judge. From women who prefer not to breastfeed to those who do so until preschool....it's no one's business. Livi is cutting me off.....not the other way around. I don't think I would ever be able to do it. I feared her being weaned as a natural consequence to me being back at work later on....it looks like I may not have to worry about that.

There is one shred of hope. Something I've noticed.....Livi backs off from nursing when I have my period.....she must sense the hormonal shift and does not like it as much. I went on the pill today. It hit me like a tonne of Tampax. I went on the pill in the middle of my cycle to alter my period time......I am hoping she picked up on the hormone and got turned off because of it. Her rejection today was much stronger than in recent days.....and her cutting back is usually way more gradual than this.

Here's hoping to a night of nursing as usual and to a better tomorrow....pill free....it's not worth it to me. Heavy periods or not.....during two upcoming vacations....who cares. Women all over the world do it...I bet someone will be having their period at the Oscars....I'll be fine. I'm not ready to lose some of my favorite moments with her just so I don't have to attend to my secret purse compartment at the airport.

The wonder of breastfeeding is hard to describe. I think we get caught up in the words "breast" and "feeding" and can't see it for what it is.....at least to me. It's more than just the nutrition of the milk for her, the peace we feel, the relaxation after a busy day or the grace of feeling her fall asleep. It's the surrender...the vulnerability of it. That feeling that only her and I know....it's ours. And I'm not ready to let it go even though she is. At 10 months, he has a mind and life of her own. My first hard truth as a mother.

IVF - Paying it Forward

Ask me how many times I was told "You should write a book" by those who know of our IVF journey. My own husband was insistent. This came mostly from those in my life who are familiar with my ability to put word on paper, so I took it more as a compliment than anything. But I did have a strong need to "give back" in some way. If there is possibly anything better thing than having a child, it's having a child after you feared you never would. In some cases, for years. The IVF path in an enormously painful and stressful one. Fear and hope battle against each other every second of every day and it's a constant effort to remain sane. So I built a website(blog) for first time IVF patients. I remember what it was like to start the IVF process and how incredibly naive, clueless and scared I was. There were so many things I didn't know and wish I had. I worked many hours into the night on this one....hoping it would help someone the way I wish I had been helped. It is a simple resource that is not sponsored by a fertility clinic or medical company. Please forward it onto anyone you know who is starting out or is thinking about IVF, and if you have a chance to take a look, please feel free to give me feedback of any kind, especially if you feel something should be added or changed. (Thanks to Jen and husband K who helped to make it more visible on the net. It worked!)

ivfexplained.blogspot.ca

"These shoes were made for walkin' ....."

There are a few reasons why my blogging has been light of late. I have been working on a project for some time....more about that later. My job and home life were never about any kind of routine, so why would raising a baby right? Especially when she had 5 naps a day. But because interacting with her has become more physically demanding, leaving me more tired during the day, I needed to establish a tighter routine so that I can take better and more predictable care of myself....so I can keep giving her my best. That has taken up time, along with getting addicted to watching "House" on my iPad while she naps. I admit it. "House" took over blogging for a while there. As well, Blogger no longer allows me to attach photos from my hard drive....I have to go through an online album which involves some extra steps and it ticked me off so I was discouraged to blog....cuz how can I blog without pictures of Livi?!

I asked Livi what she thinks of being 9 months old. She gave it some thought:

"Ummmmm.......let me think"

"Well..... I love all my shoes.....what can I say. AND, I am really enjoying learning to walk (good use of my shoes), I don't have time to crawl (can't use my shoes) and I love to get out shopping (good time to show off my shoes ...or buy some more) and I like to see my mom being busy (mostly picking up fallen shoes).

"What? Did I hear Macy's has a shoe sale? Check out these pink loafers I am learning to walk in.....just taking a break in the new chair Antie got me for Christmas"

What we can't get enough of at 9 months:

You put your arms up when you want me to pick you up. Then you actually HUG me tight and squeal. (heart busting material)
You have hit separation anxiety right on track. You don't like me out of your sight and hate it when people take you away from me (and some do it on purpose because of old school thinking which irks me). I know it's part of your development and will fade....but I sure love seeing you need me and reach out for me.
Your communication leaves no questions. Your facial and emotional expression is of adult magnitude, and you articulate everything. My favorite is when you are playing on your own, usually with something new, and carry on a conversation with yourself about the object.....with studious curiosity.
You will not crawl at all....I mean xnay on the crawlingsxay....and wont go on all fours either, although I have tried to show you many times why that would be a benefit. You simply stay on your belly or roll over. But boy....I CANNOT get you into your highchair or any place you need to sit very easily. You are SO determined to stand that you plank out and I have to wait for your core to give out so you can fold in half and finally sit down.
Standing is your favorite thing (as already mentioned) but you need to be supported unless leaning up against something. So that has mommy feeling like she is in a work out most of the day!
You learned to put one foot in front of the other on your own just last week! It was amazing to see. You walk like a moon walker at times....raising your knee high in the air.....it is sooooo cute to see you walking...but with someone holding your arms still.....but not much longer!
You have picked up on finger food like the good little half Italian you are. Thanks to the encouragement of your Antie, I got the courage to start giving you cheerios, baby cookies, and your favorite....rice cakes. You chew and swallow like a pro and love everything.....sometimes you make a face and look up at me like "what did you just give me" but take a few more bites just to make sure.

Actually, I can't wait until Livi walks.....she is very curious, restless and very clearly is ready to do her own thing and is frustrated that she can't. This leaves me carrying, holding and spotting a squirmy 19 lb baby all day and we are both ready for her to spread her wings. I am not one to rush her journey but I will be able to give her more when I am not so fatigued. Plus...her clothes will finally be abiding by gravity, and not be scrunched around her chest from being picked up and carried all the time. Seems like a ridiculous point to make, but if you have a little girl....I know you get me.

On the job front.....remember that fiasco in the big city from my last post? I thought that head hunter would never speak to me again.....he called two weeks ago wondering what my time line is to come back to work...saying he's got a few opportunities for me. Apparently, he got over me backing out of the deal pretty fast. Either he's desperate for candidates, or I'm one hot commodity. Ok, something in the middle perhaps. Sticking to my "summer with Livi" plan, I said this fall. Also, a head hunter from Ottawa called me about a job here, and once I turned it down she asked if I would consider working for them as a recruiter....part time.....out of my house. I almost cried. I said yes of course, but she is still working on forming the role and all the parameters, so we'll see where that goes. I applied for a Sales Director's job here in my home town, and was approached by a recruiter about it as well, but I don't know where it will go as they know that I am on maternity leave and that seems to stop recruiters in their tracks. I would consider going back to work early for a job like that.....I think.

I will leave you with very overdue pictures of Livi with Santa, New Years, and her shoe pick of the month.

and here are her faves...

When working doesn't work

"They loved you" said my head hunter, after a two hour interview with a Pharmaceutical company for a job I have waited my entire career for. I would have done anything to feel like most people dream of at this pivotal point in their life.....excited and hopeful. Instead, I was battling the feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Before leaving for my home town (7 hours away in the next province) with Livi to visit my parents for an early Christmas, I contacted my head hunter there. He had placed me into the pharmaceutical sales field 15 years ago. I had let him know that I will be in town and made an appointment to see him. My intention was to tell him that I will be looking for work in the coming Spring/Summer, but not in my home city.....rather, a city three hours from there....closer to the Rocky Mountains, one that Stef and I like more than my home city. He has access to province wide opportunities so I thought I'd touch base for the future. I never got the chance to explain all that. He took one look at my resume and dropped a bomb in my lap.

A pharmaceutical company was looking for someone very particular and had already exhausted one search in the city. They came up dry and were waiting to see who might bite on the line next. I've worked with family physicians for 15 years and have aspired to work with specialists. This was exactly that....a specialty position. In a therapeutic area that I'm an expert in, for a company who's culture is what I'm looking for.....a company who's name literally rhymed with mine. It seemed like it was made and waiting just for me. Not the city we planned on, but close enough (and my parents are there), not the therapeutic area I always hoped for, but close enough, not the best time for Livi, but close enough. I jumped at it. Like JUMPED. They jumped back. The local manager arranged to meet me on a SUNDAY because that was the only day she could while I was there and if all went well, they would fly me to Toronto on Tuesday to interview with a few more people at Head Office and seal the deal. Oh and one more thing.....I was the only candidate.

I arrived on Thursday night, having packed a suit for Toronto. I was meeting the head hunter on Friday for a briefing for my interview on Sunday. On my way to see him, driving around my home city (a city far bigger than the sleepy prairie hollow we live in) it felt like it will all work out. It was riveting to be walking around downtown in heels, a designer bag on my shoulder, thumbs steadfast on a BlackBerry, feeling part of the corporate world again. We spoke about the role, the company and the lady that will be interviewing me. I got very excited about being a mentor for the family physician reps, some of the roles that will open up in the future with this company, and about being so accepted and wanted. I felt needed....even a little important.

Then he said something that got the ball, deep within  me, rolling in the other direction. "There is a National Meeting in Phoenix in January that they want everyone at". Right.....I would actually have to be DOING the job once I got it. Somehow....that component of all of this was disconnected until that very sentence. It was all about my career dream coming true, us finally moving like we always wanted, and mostly about me feeling accepted and wanted into a promotive role.....a much needed band aid after 5 years of working for a manager who held me back, made sure I struggled to feel good enough, and then let me go during my maternity leave.

And so began the very difficult internal realization of how all this would look. The logistics were insane. Livi and I were to live with my parents for a month so I could make sure this was what I wanted before Stef quit his job at home. Meanwhile, Stef and I would conduct constant meetings on the phone about how to wrap up our home and revenue properties while both of us grieving the life we suddenly had to let go of (sure we want to move but we love it here). My life with Livi would be finished as I know it forever. She would be going from having her mom all the time, including all night with on-demand nursing, to something vacant in comparison. For months I would be battling a ferocious, relentless, merciless learning curve. I would be behind a computer, a BlackBerry, at meetings, or simply away a week at a time. I would be proving myself and learning the ropes in a role I've never done, for a company I know nothing about, with people I don't know, for specialists I've never met, everyone wanting a piece of me. As much as that would be a challenge I would relish, the timing and the circumstances made a thrilling challenge seem like a life draining mistake. Out of the fog, came the clear realization that I would be doing nothing but going through the motions in this new job. And that worried me.

By the time my interview on Sunday came, I was a twisted mess. I found myself saying things like " I'm not ready for this " out loud to my parents and Stef on the phone. All I wanted was to curl up with Stef and Livi and have my life back...one that I felt was being ripped out of my hands by this sudden "opportunity". Instead of being excited about a new life for all of us, I wanted nothing more than to keep the one we have for a while longer. But knowing this kind of job won't come around again, it was an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. I've been living in fear of my career slipping away from me during my maternity leave and felt this was a God send. I had hoped my interview would jar me out of this mindset and I would be catapulted into a clear, excited decision to move forward. The interview was easy, light and lots of fun actually. I had 8 months of pent up professional energy and you could tell. I didn't stop talking and even got on a few tangents and forgot the original topic. That national meeting will actually be in the Dominican Republic, not Phoenix, which still did nothing for my decision. The manager asked me in the end if I wanted the job. I was honest and said I was torn and explained why. Being a woman with children, she understood. But asked me to make a decision, as the ticket to Toronto had to be booked the next morning. And that's where they were headed with me.

That last discussion with my head hunter on Sunday night was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. How I felt came as a surprise to him....he assumed I was looking for work right now and moving back home. He had even negotiated me easing into the role with the company, including not having to move until February. The more he spoke, the more I felt the clock ticking, the more I visualized getting on that plane to Toronto, the more I wanted to be sick. My friend S, very much a career mom, advised me the same way she advised herself. "You need to decide what kind of woman you want Livi to be and lead by example ". So that's what I did. I let my all time dream job go, because my higher self told me to....and when I couldn't believe it, she punched me in the gut. I didn't walk, I ran. But I didn't leave town without dropping off a bottle of wine and thank you card for my head hunter and the lady who interviewed me. I will forever feel bad about their time, and forever be greatful for what they gave me.

I won't lie. A part of me will always be on that plane to Toronto, in my grey Mexx suit, Italian hand bag full of interview papers tucked safely under the seat in front of me, feeling proud and vibrating with excitement. But the part of me that is back in my life as I know it, rolling around with Livi in our pyjama's, worry and stress free, could not be happier. Leaving this behind has made me commit to another spring and summer with her, enjoying time outside and on our boat that we otherwise would never have.

I don't get to go back to my old, familiar, comfortable job like almost every working mom in the world does. I have to start over, prove myself and manage a mean learning curve at a new company, perhaps a in new city, as a new mom. I thought I was ready.....turns out I'm not. I still wonder if that is why this came my way......To show me that I'm not ready. To tell me that it's OK to stay home and not to worry anymore. To enjoy the precious time I have with Livi and that the right job will be there again when it's time. Yes, that is what I chose to believe.

"You will never be the same again"

Livi and I are just hanging out in her nursery at 3 am. We both went to sleep at 8pm and needed a middle of the night break. Our evenings have been ending in a stumble to and collapse into bed because she's cutting another tooth. The day time activities are very active, as she gets bored and frustrated easily. So we are out and about as much as we can, to get fresh air and change up our activities.

As far as physical development, on some level, she must know that there is more to life on earth than just laying and rolling around. When she winds up on her belly she wriggles and screams. She's in the preliminary stages of crawling and must be finding it frustrating. We have also adopted swatting, pushing away and squealing bababa when we are not happy. It is one thing to hear her protest, it is another thing when she incorporates whatever jargon she can to make her point. OMG, I can honestly bust.

May I present our first tooth:

How cute is that.

Providing the weather is appropriate, this is how Livi is enjoying her first winter. It has replaced the car for her her favorite place for naps.

I can't tell you how whimsical it is to be slugging through he snow and then turn around to see her sleeping in there.  

As for mommy news.....other than a bit of stress from not being able to get a few pressing things accomplished (that is why I am blogging at 4 am) I am doing great. A long distance friend of mine asked me the other day how my weight is. When I told her that I have 7 lbs to go, she said "I hate to tell you, but you will never be the same again". So that got me thinking....maybe it's time for a "bounce back" progress report.

Here is a picture at 6 weeks pregnant:

and now, 15 months later at almost 8 months postpartum

I know I'll never be the same again......I'm going to be better. And I don't mean look better, I mean feel better. There will always be tell tale reminders of my pregnancy on my body and I will always celebrate those. If my shape is a bit different, I will wear it proudly. My goal is to be in the best shape of my life at Livi's 1st birthday party. With a gym in the house and a multitude of free work out videos on youtube, there will be no excuse. But no matter what physical shape I am actually in, being her mommy on Livi's 1st birthday will have me in the best shape of my life in every way.