When working doesn't work

"They loved you" said my head hunter, after a two hour interview with a Pharmaceutical company for a job I have waited my entire career for. I would have done anything to feel like most people dream of at this pivotal point in their life.....excited and hopeful. Instead, I was battling the feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Before leaving for my home town (7 hours away in the next province) with Livi to visit my parents for an early Christmas, I contacted my head hunter there. He had placed me into the pharmaceutical sales field 15 years ago. I had let him know that I will be in town and made an appointment to see him. My intention was to tell him that I will be looking for work in the coming Spring/Summer, but not in my home city.....rather, a city three hours from there....closer to the Rocky Mountains, one that Stef and I like more than my home city. He has access to province wide opportunities so I thought I'd touch base for the future. I never got the chance to explain all that. He took one look at my resume and dropped a bomb in my lap.

A pharmaceutical company was looking for someone very particular and had already exhausted one search in the city. They came up dry and were waiting to see who might bite on the line next. I've worked with family physicians for 15 years and have aspired to work with specialists. This was exactly that....a specialty position. In a therapeutic area that I'm an expert in, for a company who's culture is what I'm looking for.....a company who's name literally rhymed with mine. It seemed like it was made and waiting just for me. Not the city we planned on, but close enough (and my parents are there), not the therapeutic area I always hoped for, but close enough, not the best time for Livi, but close enough. I jumped at it. Like JUMPED. They jumped back. The local manager arranged to meet me on a SUNDAY because that was the only day she could while I was there and if all went well, they would fly me to Toronto on Tuesday to interview with a few more people at Head Office and seal the deal. Oh and one more thing.....I was the only candidate.

I arrived on Thursday night, having packed a suit for Toronto. I was meeting the head hunter on Friday for a briefing for my interview on Sunday. On my way to see him, driving around my home city (a city far bigger than the sleepy prairie hollow we live in) it felt like it will all work out. It was riveting to be walking around downtown in heels, a designer bag on my shoulder, thumbs steadfast on a BlackBerry, feeling part of the corporate world again. We spoke about the role, the company and the lady that will be interviewing me. I got very excited about being a mentor for the family physician reps, some of the roles that will open up in the future with this company, and about being so accepted and wanted. I felt needed....even a little important.

Then he said something that got the ball, deep within  me, rolling in the other direction. "There is a National Meeting in Phoenix in January that they want everyone at". Right.....I would actually have to be DOING the job once I got it. Somehow....that component of all of this was disconnected until that very sentence. It was all about my career dream coming true, us finally moving like we always wanted, and mostly about me feeling accepted and wanted into a promotive role.....a much needed band aid after 5 years of working for a manager who held me back, made sure I struggled to feel good enough, and then let me go during my maternity leave.

And so began the very difficult internal realization of how all this would look. The logistics were insane. Livi and I were to live with my parents for a month so I could make sure this was what I wanted before Stef quit his job at home. Meanwhile, Stef and I would conduct constant meetings on the phone about how to wrap up our home and revenue properties while both of us grieving the life we suddenly had to let go of (sure we want to move but we love it here). My life with Livi would be finished as I know it forever. She would be going from having her mom all the time, including all night with on-demand nursing, to something vacant in comparison. For months I would be battling a ferocious, relentless, merciless learning curve. I would be behind a computer, a BlackBerry, at meetings, or simply away a week at a time. I would be proving myself and learning the ropes in a role I've never done, for a company I know nothing about, with people I don't know, for specialists I've never met, everyone wanting a piece of me. As much as that would be a challenge I would relish, the timing and the circumstances made a thrilling challenge seem like a life draining mistake. Out of the fog, came the clear realization that I would be doing nothing but going through the motions in this new job. And that worried me.

By the time my interview on Sunday came, I was a twisted mess. I found myself saying things like " I'm not ready for this " out loud to my parents and Stef on the phone. All I wanted was to curl up with Stef and Livi and have my life back...one that I felt was being ripped out of my hands by this sudden "opportunity". Instead of being excited about a new life for all of us, I wanted nothing more than to keep the one we have for a while longer. But knowing this kind of job won't come around again, it was an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. I've been living in fear of my career slipping away from me during my maternity leave and felt this was a God send. I had hoped my interview would jar me out of this mindset and I would be catapulted into a clear, excited decision to move forward. The interview was easy, light and lots of fun actually. I had 8 months of pent up professional energy and you could tell. I didn't stop talking and even got on a few tangents and forgot the original topic. That national meeting will actually be in the Dominican Republic, not Phoenix, which still did nothing for my decision. The manager asked me in the end if I wanted the job. I was honest and said I was torn and explained why. Being a woman with children, she understood. But asked me to make a decision, as the ticket to Toronto had to be booked the next morning. And that's where they were headed with me.

That last discussion with my head hunter on Sunday night was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. How I felt came as a surprise to him....he assumed I was looking for work right now and moving back home. He had even negotiated me easing into the role with the company, including not having to move until February. The more he spoke, the more I felt the clock ticking, the more I visualized getting on that plane to Toronto, the more I wanted to be sick. My friend S, very much a career mom, advised me the same way she advised herself. "You need to decide what kind of woman you want Livi to be and lead by example ". So that's what I did. I let my all time dream job go, because my higher self told me to....and when I couldn't believe it, she punched me in the gut. I didn't walk, I ran. But I didn't leave town without dropping off a bottle of wine and thank you card for my head hunter and the lady who interviewed me. I will forever feel bad about their time, and forever be greatful for what they gave me.

I won't lie. A part of me will always be on that plane to Toronto, in my grey Mexx suit, Italian hand bag full of interview papers tucked safely under the seat in front of me, feeling proud and vibrating with excitement. But the part of me that is back in my life as I know it, rolling around with Livi in our pyjama's, worry and stress free, could not be happier. Leaving this behind has made me commit to another spring and summer with her, enjoying time outside and on our boat that we otherwise would never have.

I don't get to go back to my old, familiar, comfortable job like almost every working mom in the world does. I have to start over, prove myself and manage a mean learning curve at a new company, perhaps a in new city, as a new mom. I thought I was ready.....turns out I'm not. I still wonder if that is why this came my way......To show me that I'm not ready. To tell me that it's OK to stay home and not to worry anymore. To enjoy the precious time I have with Livi and that the right job will be there again when it's time. Yes, that is what I chose to believe.