The heart is behind the breast

I lost it today. Before I had my baby and truly appreciated all that breastfeeding brought to my life just even from an emotional aspect, I had NO IDEA what women were talking about, using words like "sad" when describing their weaning experience.

I'm not sad....I'm certifiable. Someone should lock me up. I actually got upset with Livi tonight for rejecting me and let her cry in her crib for a while.....walking away angry, frustrated and feeling rejected of all stupid things. It wasn't long before she was in my arms again but the whole thing was just not very mature. Even though she still nurses alot during the night, she has been weaning herself VERY gradually from her daytime feedings. Starting with keeping all her feedings but only one breast, to cutting down some feedings all together, to now....not taking the breast at all as part of her night time routine. That shocked me and left me helpless. She's crying, frustrated that on one hand, something is missing at the moment, but on the other, she is rolling away from me on the bed where we read a book and nurse before sleep. We were both very upset. That's when I, being more of a child than she is, tried to force the feed and sulked when I didn't get my way. Sorry Livi...mommy needs to get a grip.

Breastfeeding to every mother is as individual as the people and the babies themselves. No one will ever feel about it or have the same experience as anyone else. More importantly, I have learned, to never judge. From women who prefer not to breastfeed to those who do so until preschool....it's no one's business. Livi is cutting me off.....not the other way around. I don't think I would ever be able to do it. I feared her being weaned as a natural consequence to me being back at work later on....it looks like I may not have to worry about that.

There is one shred of hope. Something I've noticed.....Livi backs off from nursing when I have my period.....she must sense the hormonal shift and does not like it as much. I went on the pill today. It hit me like a tonne of Tampax. I went on the pill in the middle of my cycle to alter my period time......I am hoping she picked up on the hormone and got turned off because of it. Her rejection today was much stronger than in recent days.....and her cutting back is usually way more gradual than this.

Here's hoping to a night of nursing as usual and to a better tomorrow....pill free....it's not worth it to me. Heavy periods or not.....during two upcoming vacations....who cares. Women all over the world do it...I bet someone will be having their period at the Oscars....I'll be fine. I'm not ready to lose some of my favorite moments with her just so I don't have to attend to my secret purse compartment at the airport.

The wonder of breastfeeding is hard to describe. I think we get caught up in the words "breast" and "feeding" and can't see it for what it is.....at least to me. It's more than just the nutrition of the milk for her, the peace we feel, the relaxation after a busy day or the grace of feeling her fall asleep. It's the surrender...the vulnerability of it. That feeling that only her and I know....it's ours. And I'm not ready to let it go even though she is. At 10 months, he has a mind and life of her own. My first hard truth as a mother.

IVF - Paying it Forward

Ask me how many times I was told "You should write a book" by those who know of our IVF journey. My own husband was insistent. This came mostly from those in my life who are familiar with my ability to put word on paper, so I took it more as a compliment than anything. But I did have a strong need to "give back" in some way. If there is possibly anything better thing than having a child, it's having a child after you feared you never would. In some cases, for years. The IVF path in an enormously painful and stressful one. Fear and hope battle against each other every second of every day and it's a constant effort to remain sane. So I built a website(blog) for first time IVF patients. I remember what it was like to start the IVF process and how incredibly naive, clueless and scared I was. There were so many things I didn't know and wish I had. I worked many hours into the night on this one....hoping it would help someone the way I wish I had been helped. It is a simple resource that is not sponsored by a fertility clinic or medical company. Please forward it onto anyone you know who is starting out or is thinking about IVF, and if you have a chance to take a look, please feel free to give me feedback of any kind, especially if you feel something should be added or changed. (Thanks to Jen and husband K who helped to make it more visible on the net. It worked!)

ivfexplained.blogspot.ca

"These shoes were made for walkin' ....."

There are a few reasons why my blogging has been light of late. I have been working on a project for some time....more about that later. My job and home life were never about any kind of routine, so why would raising a baby right? Especially when she had 5 naps a day. But because interacting with her has become more physically demanding, leaving me more tired during the day, I needed to establish a tighter routine so that I can take better and more predictable care of myself....so I can keep giving her my best. That has taken up time, along with getting addicted to watching "House" on my iPad while she naps. I admit it. "House" took over blogging for a while there. As well, Blogger no longer allows me to attach photos from my hard drive....I have to go through an online album which involves some extra steps and it ticked me off so I was discouraged to blog....cuz how can I blog without pictures of Livi?!

I asked Livi what she thinks of being 9 months old. She gave it some thought:

"Ummmmm.......let me think"

"Well..... I love all my shoes.....what can I say. AND, I am really enjoying learning to walk (good use of my shoes), I don't have time to crawl (can't use my shoes) and I love to get out shopping (good time to show off my shoes ...or buy some more) and I like to see my mom being busy (mostly picking up fallen shoes).

"What? Did I hear Macy's has a shoe sale? Check out these pink loafers I am learning to walk in.....just taking a break in the new chair Antie got me for Christmas"

What we can't get enough of at 9 months:

You put your arms up when you want me to pick you up. Then you actually HUG me tight and squeal. (heart busting material)
You have hit separation anxiety right on track. You don't like me out of your sight and hate it when people take you away from me (and some do it on purpose because of old school thinking which irks me). I know it's part of your development and will fade....but I sure love seeing you need me and reach out for me.
Your communication leaves no questions. Your facial and emotional expression is of adult magnitude, and you articulate everything. My favorite is when you are playing on your own, usually with something new, and carry on a conversation with yourself about the object.....with studious curiosity.
You will not crawl at all....I mean xnay on the crawlingsxay....and wont go on all fours either, although I have tried to show you many times why that would be a benefit. You simply stay on your belly or roll over. But boy....I CANNOT get you into your highchair or any place you need to sit very easily. You are SO determined to stand that you plank out and I have to wait for your core to give out so you can fold in half and finally sit down.
Standing is your favorite thing (as already mentioned) but you need to be supported unless leaning up against something. So that has mommy feeling like she is in a work out most of the day!
You learned to put one foot in front of the other on your own just last week! It was amazing to see. You walk like a moon walker at times....raising your knee high in the air.....it is sooooo cute to see you walking...but with someone holding your arms still.....but not much longer!
You have picked up on finger food like the good little half Italian you are. Thanks to the encouragement of your Antie, I got the courage to start giving you cheerios, baby cookies, and your favorite....rice cakes. You chew and swallow like a pro and love everything.....sometimes you make a face and look up at me like "what did you just give me" but take a few more bites just to make sure.

Actually, I can't wait until Livi walks.....she is very curious, restless and very clearly is ready to do her own thing and is frustrated that she can't. This leaves me carrying, holding and spotting a squirmy 19 lb baby all day and we are both ready for her to spread her wings. I am not one to rush her journey but I will be able to give her more when I am not so fatigued. Plus...her clothes will finally be abiding by gravity, and not be scrunched around her chest from being picked up and carried all the time. Seems like a ridiculous point to make, but if you have a little girl....I know you get me.

On the job front.....remember that fiasco in the big city from my last post? I thought that head hunter would never speak to me again.....he called two weeks ago wondering what my time line is to come back to work...saying he's got a few opportunities for me. Apparently, he got over me backing out of the deal pretty fast. Either he's desperate for candidates, or I'm one hot commodity. Ok, something in the middle perhaps. Sticking to my "summer with Livi" plan, I said this fall. Also, a head hunter from Ottawa called me about a job here, and once I turned it down she asked if I would consider working for them as a recruiter....part time.....out of my house. I almost cried. I said yes of course, but she is still working on forming the role and all the parameters, so we'll see where that goes. I applied for a Sales Director's job here in my home town, and was approached by a recruiter about it as well, but I don't know where it will go as they know that I am on maternity leave and that seems to stop recruiters in their tracks. I would consider going back to work early for a job like that.....I think.

I will leave you with very overdue pictures of Livi with Santa, New Years, and her shoe pick of the month.

and here are her faves...

When working doesn't work

"They loved you" said my head hunter, after a two hour interview with a Pharmaceutical company for a job I have waited my entire career for. I would have done anything to feel like most people dream of at this pivotal point in their life.....excited and hopeful. Instead, I was battling the feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Before leaving for my home town (7 hours away in the next province) with Livi to visit my parents for an early Christmas, I contacted my head hunter there. He had placed me into the pharmaceutical sales field 15 years ago. I had let him know that I will be in town and made an appointment to see him. My intention was to tell him that I will be looking for work in the coming Spring/Summer, but not in my home city.....rather, a city three hours from there....closer to the Rocky Mountains, one that Stef and I like more than my home city. He has access to province wide opportunities so I thought I'd touch base for the future. I never got the chance to explain all that. He took one look at my resume and dropped a bomb in my lap.

A pharmaceutical company was looking for someone very particular and had already exhausted one search in the city. They came up dry and were waiting to see who might bite on the line next. I've worked with family physicians for 15 years and have aspired to work with specialists. This was exactly that....a specialty position. In a therapeutic area that I'm an expert in, for a company who's culture is what I'm looking for.....a company who's name literally rhymed with mine. It seemed like it was made and waiting just for me. Not the city we planned on, but close enough (and my parents are there), not the therapeutic area I always hoped for, but close enough, not the best time for Livi, but close enough. I jumped at it. Like JUMPED. They jumped back. The local manager arranged to meet me on a SUNDAY because that was the only day she could while I was there and if all went well, they would fly me to Toronto on Tuesday to interview with a few more people at Head Office and seal the deal. Oh and one more thing.....I was the only candidate.

I arrived on Thursday night, having packed a suit for Toronto. I was meeting the head hunter on Friday for a briefing for my interview on Sunday. On my way to see him, driving around my home city (a city far bigger than the sleepy prairie hollow we live in) it felt like it will all work out. It was riveting to be walking around downtown in heels, a designer bag on my shoulder, thumbs steadfast on a BlackBerry, feeling part of the corporate world again. We spoke about the role, the company and the lady that will be interviewing me. I got very excited about being a mentor for the family physician reps, some of the roles that will open up in the future with this company, and about being so accepted and wanted. I felt needed....even a little important.

Then he said something that got the ball, deep within  me, rolling in the other direction. "There is a National Meeting in Phoenix in January that they want everyone at". Right.....I would actually have to be DOING the job once I got it. Somehow....that component of all of this was disconnected until that very sentence. It was all about my career dream coming true, us finally moving like we always wanted, and mostly about me feeling accepted and wanted into a promotive role.....a much needed band aid after 5 years of working for a manager who held me back, made sure I struggled to feel good enough, and then let me go during my maternity leave.

And so began the very difficult internal realization of how all this would look. The logistics were insane. Livi and I were to live with my parents for a month so I could make sure this was what I wanted before Stef quit his job at home. Meanwhile, Stef and I would conduct constant meetings on the phone about how to wrap up our home and revenue properties while both of us grieving the life we suddenly had to let go of (sure we want to move but we love it here). My life with Livi would be finished as I know it forever. She would be going from having her mom all the time, including all night with on-demand nursing, to something vacant in comparison. For months I would be battling a ferocious, relentless, merciless learning curve. I would be behind a computer, a BlackBerry, at meetings, or simply away a week at a time. I would be proving myself and learning the ropes in a role I've never done, for a company I know nothing about, with people I don't know, for specialists I've never met, everyone wanting a piece of me. As much as that would be a challenge I would relish, the timing and the circumstances made a thrilling challenge seem like a life draining mistake. Out of the fog, came the clear realization that I would be doing nothing but going through the motions in this new job. And that worried me.

By the time my interview on Sunday came, I was a twisted mess. I found myself saying things like " I'm not ready for this " out loud to my parents and Stef on the phone. All I wanted was to curl up with Stef and Livi and have my life back...one that I felt was being ripped out of my hands by this sudden "opportunity". Instead of being excited about a new life for all of us, I wanted nothing more than to keep the one we have for a while longer. But knowing this kind of job won't come around again, it was an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. I've been living in fear of my career slipping away from me during my maternity leave and felt this was a God send. I had hoped my interview would jar me out of this mindset and I would be catapulted into a clear, excited decision to move forward. The interview was easy, light and lots of fun actually. I had 8 months of pent up professional energy and you could tell. I didn't stop talking and even got on a few tangents and forgot the original topic. That national meeting will actually be in the Dominican Republic, not Phoenix, which still did nothing for my decision. The manager asked me in the end if I wanted the job. I was honest and said I was torn and explained why. Being a woman with children, she understood. But asked me to make a decision, as the ticket to Toronto had to be booked the next morning. And that's where they were headed with me.

That last discussion with my head hunter on Sunday night was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. How I felt came as a surprise to him....he assumed I was looking for work right now and moving back home. He had even negotiated me easing into the role with the company, including not having to move until February. The more he spoke, the more I felt the clock ticking, the more I visualized getting on that plane to Toronto, the more I wanted to be sick. My friend S, very much a career mom, advised me the same way she advised herself. "You need to decide what kind of woman you want Livi to be and lead by example ". So that's what I did. I let my all time dream job go, because my higher self told me to....and when I couldn't believe it, she punched me in the gut. I didn't walk, I ran. But I didn't leave town without dropping off a bottle of wine and thank you card for my head hunter and the lady who interviewed me. I will forever feel bad about their time, and forever be greatful for what they gave me.

I won't lie. A part of me will always be on that plane to Toronto, in my grey Mexx suit, Italian hand bag full of interview papers tucked safely under the seat in front of me, feeling proud and vibrating with excitement. But the part of me that is back in my life as I know it, rolling around with Livi in our pyjama's, worry and stress free, could not be happier. Leaving this behind has made me commit to another spring and summer with her, enjoying time outside and on our boat that we otherwise would never have.

I don't get to go back to my old, familiar, comfortable job like almost every working mom in the world does. I have to start over, prove myself and manage a mean learning curve at a new company, perhaps a in new city, as a new mom. I thought I was ready.....turns out I'm not. I still wonder if that is why this came my way......To show me that I'm not ready. To tell me that it's OK to stay home and not to worry anymore. To enjoy the precious time I have with Livi and that the right job will be there again when it's time. Yes, that is what I chose to believe.

"You will never be the same again"

Livi and I are just hanging out in her nursery at 3 am. We both went to sleep at 8pm and needed a middle of the night break. Our evenings have been ending in a stumble to and collapse into bed because she's cutting another tooth. The day time activities are very active, as she gets bored and frustrated easily. So we are out and about as much as we can, to get fresh air and change up our activities.

As far as physical development, on some level, she must know that there is more to life on earth than just laying and rolling around. When she winds up on her belly she wriggles and screams. She's in the preliminary stages of crawling and must be finding it frustrating. We have also adopted swatting, pushing away and squealing bababa when we are not happy. It is one thing to hear her protest, it is another thing when she incorporates whatever jargon she can to make her point. OMG, I can honestly bust.

May I present our first tooth:

How cute is that.

Providing the weather is appropriate, this is how Livi is enjoying her first winter. It has replaced the car for her her favorite place for naps.

I can't tell you how whimsical it is to be slugging through he snow and then turn around to see her sleeping in there.  

As for mommy news.....other than a bit of stress from not being able to get a few pressing things accomplished (that is why I am blogging at 4 am) I am doing great. A long distance friend of mine asked me the other day how my weight is. When I told her that I have 7 lbs to go, she said "I hate to tell you, but you will never be the same again". So that got me thinking....maybe it's time for a "bounce back" progress report.

Here is a picture at 6 weeks pregnant:

and now, 15 months later at almost 8 months postpartum

I know I'll never be the same again......I'm going to be better. And I don't mean look better, I mean feel better. There will always be tell tale reminders of my pregnancy on my body and I will always celebrate those. If my shape is a bit different, I will wear it proudly. My goal is to be in the best shape of my life at Livi's 1st birthday party. With a gym in the house and a multitude of free work out videos on youtube, there will be no excuse. But no matter what physical shape I am actually in, being her mommy on Livi's 1st birthday will have me in the best shape of my life in every way.



Dancing all the way to the Post Office

What's with the Post Office? Well.....THE LETTER came. The very letter that I anticipated getting once Livi was here. I knew that the IVF Lab in Colorado will be sending their annual letter slash invoice about what to do with Stef's frozen sperm.....dispose or pay for another year of storage. This time last year, I payed. I was 4 months pregnant and did not know for sure how I would feel about a second child once the baby was here and did not want to burn any bridges just yet. This year is a completely different story. I am very happy to announce that Livi is the one, the only one. There is a beauty and freedom in being so sure of something, especially something as monumental as this. The only way I can say it, is that the way everything is now, feels exactly right. I don't feel like there is someone or something missing. Needless to say, I don't think I need to remind anyone what it took to have Livi. So, the very low chances of a second IVF success coupled with the identical process AND the lack of an internal pull for a second child....well, I think you know what our response is to Colorado. That is not to say that a second child is not welcome in our family, should there be a soul out there insistent on becoming a part of it. The only way I would have another child is if I got spontaneously pregnant on my own. And with obstructive azoospermia in the house, that little soul would literally have to pull some strings.

So I'm dancing all the way to the post office with the notarized letter in hand, the envelope and our fate sealed. I am dancing because I am happy to know that what I have is what I want and what I want, I have. So blissful. And I'm also dancing to the post office, because I'm actually dancing. Yes! I'm Irish dancing again. And back at the school where I had quit 6 years ago and had started up a private dance troop with a group of dance friends instead. That troop was a blast but fell apart after the other girls were burnt out from dancing with us and still at the school. I had no interest to go back to that school but always had this feeling I would find myself back there one day. Low and behold, it happened. My other dance friend who also had quit the school, myself and two others who teach at the school now were having breakfast as we often do as friends. She says to me "Let's go on Monday and just try it out". Trying it out turned into staying (saw that one coming) and loving it as always. I still can't believe I am back. But I don't see it that way. So much has changed there. The politics, stress and reasons I quit for are gone. I'm just happy to be dancing again and doing something just for me once a week. We had a workshop where a certified Irish Dance Teacher was flown in on Saturday. Stef brought Livi to watch the hard shoe (the shoes that make that tapping sound) because she loves to discover new sounds and environments. Got a pic after class:

I had told Livi when we went to see some Irish Dancing this summer that one day she will come to watch her mommy dance. I had hoped it was true........little did I know it was around the corner.

Thanks to R, for getting me to put my shoes on again, and to L and G for sharing the love of the dance.

To Livi, at 6 months

You turned 6 moths on Friday and we took you out to Montana's where mommy and daddy thoroughly enjoyed a burger and fries and you nibbled on mashed potatoes. We took your stroller in so you could chill out. You did just that, listening to your playlist on mommy's iPad and checking out every detail in the ceiling. They do have a crazy ceiling. You were a super cute hit in your Hilfiger Jeans. Check out your little butt in this outfit, compiments of Grandpa.

What Mommy and Daddy can't get enough of at 6 months:

- Your affection.....you love to be touched, stroked, massaged and you even reach out to hold my hand and to pet me back which blows my mind....and I melt
- Your smile and funny sounding laugh when you get excited. We love how you flail your arms when you get excited...which is often....especially when you see daddy, and especially when he attends your baths. You flail your arms so hard into your belly, I worry you will bruise.
- You started on solids after your 5th month birthday and so far love eating everything! Even spinach!
- You fall asleep by yourself with absolutely no sleep training! you have found a way to self sooth and it's taken some time to work and to practice it but I can put you in your crib and walk away....what a relief and joy that is for both you and I.
- Your intence focus and love of detail is fascinating. You will stare at paintings, ceiling vents and fans, and odd objects that stand out. The part about a toy that interest you the most is the little tag sticking out or a thread that has come lose. We love watching your tiny little fingers intertwine with what you're twiddling.
- You reach for absolutely everything and must have it. And then your gums must have it. Your greatest interest of course is my BlackBerry and the house phone. The second you got a hold of my cell you speed-dialed grandma. She thought that was pretty cool.
- You are an easy going baby while making your needs and wishes very clear. We are never guessing what it is you want. Especially the time you hit my friend because she wouldn't share her strawberry....your favorite. Your communication is unmistakable and your happiness busts our hearts.
- You can stand on your own while holding you for balance for a long time now....so proud of you! You are trying to sit up ALL the time, eventhough you don't have complete control once up. But we work on it in your Bumbo (yes, the safe one) and in your make shift living room while watching Baby Einstein (Josey, I thought your pic was so hilarious, that I had to get one)

 Livi, you are the life and joy of our days.

 I call you my angel everyday because I truly believe you are one 

We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful little girl, in every way

 We love how astute and focused you are. You love fine detail, are always looking around to see new things. If you're not smiling, you're deep in thought.

 And you're putting mommy to shame in the photogenic arena....that's for sure!