When working doesn't work

"They loved you" said my head hunter, after a two hour interview with a Pharmaceutical company for a job I have waited my entire career for. I would have done anything to feel like most people dream of at this pivotal point in their life.....excited and hopeful. Instead, I was battling the feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Before leaving for my home town (7 hours away in the next province) with Livi to visit my parents for an early Christmas, I contacted my head hunter there. He had placed me into the pharmaceutical sales field 15 years ago. I had let him know that I will be in town and made an appointment to see him. My intention was to tell him that I will be looking for work in the coming Spring/Summer, but not in my home city.....rather, a city three hours from there....closer to the Rocky Mountains, one that Stef and I like more than my home city. He has access to province wide opportunities so I thought I'd touch base for the future. I never got the chance to explain all that. He took one look at my resume and dropped a bomb in my lap.

A pharmaceutical company was looking for someone very particular and had already exhausted one search in the city. They came up dry and were waiting to see who might bite on the line next. I've worked with family physicians for 15 years and have aspired to work with specialists. This was exactly that....a specialty position. In a therapeutic area that I'm an expert in, for a company who's culture is what I'm looking for.....a company who's name literally rhymed with mine. It seemed like it was made and waiting just for me. Not the city we planned on, but close enough (and my parents are there), not the therapeutic area I always hoped for, but close enough, not the best time for Livi, but close enough. I jumped at it. Like JUMPED. They jumped back. The local manager arranged to meet me on a SUNDAY because that was the only day she could while I was there and if all went well, they would fly me to Toronto on Tuesday to interview with a few more people at Head Office and seal the deal. Oh and one more thing.....I was the only candidate.

I arrived on Thursday night, having packed a suit for Toronto. I was meeting the head hunter on Friday for a briefing for my interview on Sunday. On my way to see him, driving around my home city (a city far bigger than the sleepy prairie hollow we live in) it felt like it will all work out. It was riveting to be walking around downtown in heels, a designer bag on my shoulder, thumbs steadfast on a BlackBerry, feeling part of the corporate world again. We spoke about the role, the company and the lady that will be interviewing me. I got very excited about being a mentor for the family physician reps, some of the roles that will open up in the future with this company, and about being so accepted and wanted. I felt needed....even a little important.

Then he said something that got the ball, deep within  me, rolling in the other direction. "There is a National Meeting in Phoenix in January that they want everyone at". Right.....I would actually have to be DOING the job once I got it. Somehow....that component of all of this was disconnected until that very sentence. It was all about my career dream coming true, us finally moving like we always wanted, and mostly about me feeling accepted and wanted into a promotive role.....a much needed band aid after 5 years of working for a manager who held me back, made sure I struggled to feel good enough, and then let me go during my maternity leave.

And so began the very difficult internal realization of how all this would look. The logistics were insane. Livi and I were to live with my parents for a month so I could make sure this was what I wanted before Stef quit his job at home. Meanwhile, Stef and I would conduct constant meetings on the phone about how to wrap up our home and revenue properties while both of us grieving the life we suddenly had to let go of (sure we want to move but we love it here). My life with Livi would be finished as I know it forever. She would be going from having her mom all the time, including all night with on-demand nursing, to something vacant in comparison. For months I would be battling a ferocious, relentless, merciless learning curve. I would be behind a computer, a BlackBerry, at meetings, or simply away a week at a time. I would be proving myself and learning the ropes in a role I've never done, for a company I know nothing about, with people I don't know, for specialists I've never met, everyone wanting a piece of me. As much as that would be a challenge I would relish, the timing and the circumstances made a thrilling challenge seem like a life draining mistake. Out of the fog, came the clear realization that I would be doing nothing but going through the motions in this new job. And that worried me.

By the time my interview on Sunday came, I was a twisted mess. I found myself saying things like " I'm not ready for this " out loud to my parents and Stef on the phone. All I wanted was to curl up with Stef and Livi and have my life back...one that I felt was being ripped out of my hands by this sudden "opportunity". Instead of being excited about a new life for all of us, I wanted nothing more than to keep the one we have for a while longer. But knowing this kind of job won't come around again, it was an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. I've been living in fear of my career slipping away from me during my maternity leave and felt this was a God send. I had hoped my interview would jar me out of this mindset and I would be catapulted into a clear, excited decision to move forward. The interview was easy, light and lots of fun actually. I had 8 months of pent up professional energy and you could tell. I didn't stop talking and even got on a few tangents and forgot the original topic. That national meeting will actually be in the Dominican Republic, not Phoenix, which still did nothing for my decision. The manager asked me in the end if I wanted the job. I was honest and said I was torn and explained why. Being a woman with children, she understood. But asked me to make a decision, as the ticket to Toronto had to be booked the next morning. And that's where they were headed with me.

That last discussion with my head hunter on Sunday night was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. How I felt came as a surprise to him....he assumed I was looking for work right now and moving back home. He had even negotiated me easing into the role with the company, including not having to move until February. The more he spoke, the more I felt the clock ticking, the more I visualized getting on that plane to Toronto, the more I wanted to be sick. My friend S, very much a career mom, advised me the same way she advised herself. "You need to decide what kind of woman you want Livi to be and lead by example ". So that's what I did. I let my all time dream job go, because my higher self told me to....and when I couldn't believe it, she punched me in the gut. I didn't walk, I ran. But I didn't leave town without dropping off a bottle of wine and thank you card for my head hunter and the lady who interviewed me. I will forever feel bad about their time, and forever be greatful for what they gave me.

I won't lie. A part of me will always be on that plane to Toronto, in my grey Mexx suit, Italian hand bag full of interview papers tucked safely under the seat in front of me, feeling proud and vibrating with excitement. But the part of me that is back in my life as I know it, rolling around with Livi in our pyjama's, worry and stress free, could not be happier. Leaving this behind has made me commit to another spring and summer with her, enjoying time outside and on our boat that we otherwise would never have.

I don't get to go back to my old, familiar, comfortable job like almost every working mom in the world does. I have to start over, prove myself and manage a mean learning curve at a new company, perhaps a in new city, as a new mom. I thought I was ready.....turns out I'm not. I still wonder if that is why this came my way......To show me that I'm not ready. To tell me that it's OK to stay home and not to worry anymore. To enjoy the precious time I have with Livi and that the right job will be there again when it's time. Yes, that is what I chose to believe.

"You will never be the same again"

Livi and I are just hanging out in her nursery at 3 am. We both went to sleep at 8pm and needed a middle of the night break. Our evenings have been ending in a stumble to and collapse into bed because she's cutting another tooth. The day time activities are very active, as she gets bored and frustrated easily. So we are out and about as much as we can, to get fresh air and change up our activities.

As far as physical development, on some level, she must know that there is more to life on earth than just laying and rolling around. When she winds up on her belly she wriggles and screams. She's in the preliminary stages of crawling and must be finding it frustrating. We have also adopted swatting, pushing away and squealing bababa when we are not happy. It is one thing to hear her protest, it is another thing when she incorporates whatever jargon she can to make her point. OMG, I can honestly bust.

May I present our first tooth:

How cute is that.

Providing the weather is appropriate, this is how Livi is enjoying her first winter. It has replaced the car for her her favorite place for naps.

I can't tell you how whimsical it is to be slugging through he snow and then turn around to see her sleeping in there.  

As for mommy news.....other than a bit of stress from not being able to get a few pressing things accomplished (that is why I am blogging at 4 am) I am doing great. A long distance friend of mine asked me the other day how my weight is. When I told her that I have 7 lbs to go, she said "I hate to tell you, but you will never be the same again". So that got me thinking....maybe it's time for a "bounce back" progress report.

Here is a picture at 6 weeks pregnant:

and now, 15 months later at almost 8 months postpartum

I know I'll never be the same again......I'm going to be better. And I don't mean look better, I mean feel better. There will always be tell tale reminders of my pregnancy on my body and I will always celebrate those. If my shape is a bit different, I will wear it proudly. My goal is to be in the best shape of my life at Livi's 1st birthday party. With a gym in the house and a multitude of free work out videos on youtube, there will be no excuse. But no matter what physical shape I am actually in, being her mommy on Livi's 1st birthday will have me in the best shape of my life in every way.



Dancing all the way to the Post Office

What's with the Post Office? Well.....THE LETTER came. The very letter that I anticipated getting once Livi was here. I knew that the IVF Lab in Colorado will be sending their annual letter slash invoice about what to do with Stef's frozen sperm.....dispose or pay for another year of storage. This time last year, I payed. I was 4 months pregnant and did not know for sure how I would feel about a second child once the baby was here and did not want to burn any bridges just yet. This year is a completely different story. I am very happy to announce that Livi is the one, the only one. There is a beauty and freedom in being so sure of something, especially something as monumental as this. The only way I can say it, is that the way everything is now, feels exactly right. I don't feel like there is someone or something missing. Needless to say, I don't think I need to remind anyone what it took to have Livi. So, the very low chances of a second IVF success coupled with the identical process AND the lack of an internal pull for a second child....well, I think you know what our response is to Colorado. That is not to say that a second child is not welcome in our family, should there be a soul out there insistent on becoming a part of it. The only way I would have another child is if I got spontaneously pregnant on my own. And with obstructive azoospermia in the house, that little soul would literally have to pull some strings.

So I'm dancing all the way to the post office with the notarized letter in hand, the envelope and our fate sealed. I am dancing because I am happy to know that what I have is what I want and what I want, I have. So blissful. And I'm also dancing to the post office, because I'm actually dancing. Yes! I'm Irish dancing again. And back at the school where I had quit 6 years ago and had started up a private dance troop with a group of dance friends instead. That troop was a blast but fell apart after the other girls were burnt out from dancing with us and still at the school. I had no interest to go back to that school but always had this feeling I would find myself back there one day. Low and behold, it happened. My other dance friend who also had quit the school, myself and two others who teach at the school now were having breakfast as we often do as friends. She says to me "Let's go on Monday and just try it out". Trying it out turned into staying (saw that one coming) and loving it as always. I still can't believe I am back. But I don't see it that way. So much has changed there. The politics, stress and reasons I quit for are gone. I'm just happy to be dancing again and doing something just for me once a week. We had a workshop where a certified Irish Dance Teacher was flown in on Saturday. Stef brought Livi to watch the hard shoe (the shoes that make that tapping sound) because she loves to discover new sounds and environments. Got a pic after class:

I had told Livi when we went to see some Irish Dancing this summer that one day she will come to watch her mommy dance. I had hoped it was true........little did I know it was around the corner.

Thanks to R, for getting me to put my shoes on again, and to L and G for sharing the love of the dance.

To Livi, at 6 months

You turned 6 moths on Friday and we took you out to Montana's where mommy and daddy thoroughly enjoyed a burger and fries and you nibbled on mashed potatoes. We took your stroller in so you could chill out. You did just that, listening to your playlist on mommy's iPad and checking out every detail in the ceiling. They do have a crazy ceiling. You were a super cute hit in your Hilfiger Jeans. Check out your little butt in this outfit, compiments of Grandpa.

What Mommy and Daddy can't get enough of at 6 months:

- Your affection.....you love to be touched, stroked, massaged and you even reach out to hold my hand and to pet me back which blows my mind....and I melt
- Your smile and funny sounding laugh when you get excited. We love how you flail your arms when you get excited...which is often....especially when you see daddy, and especially when he attends your baths. You flail your arms so hard into your belly, I worry you will bruise.
- You started on solids after your 5th month birthday and so far love eating everything! Even spinach!
- You fall asleep by yourself with absolutely no sleep training! you have found a way to self sooth and it's taken some time to work and to practice it but I can put you in your crib and walk away....what a relief and joy that is for both you and I.
- Your intence focus and love of detail is fascinating. You will stare at paintings, ceiling vents and fans, and odd objects that stand out. The part about a toy that interest you the most is the little tag sticking out or a thread that has come lose. We love watching your tiny little fingers intertwine with what you're twiddling.
- You reach for absolutely everything and must have it. And then your gums must have it. Your greatest interest of course is my BlackBerry and the house phone. The second you got a hold of my cell you speed-dialed grandma. She thought that was pretty cool.
- You are an easy going baby while making your needs and wishes very clear. We are never guessing what it is you want. Especially the time you hit my friend because she wouldn't share her strawberry....your favorite. Your communication is unmistakable and your happiness busts our hearts.
- You can stand on your own while holding you for balance for a long time now....so proud of you! You are trying to sit up ALL the time, eventhough you don't have complete control once up. But we work on it in your Bumbo (yes, the safe one) and in your make shift living room while watching Baby Einstein (Josey, I thought your pic was so hilarious, that I had to get one)

 Livi, you are the life and joy of our days.

 I call you my angel everyday because I truly believe you are one 

We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful little girl, in every way

 We love how astute and focused you are. You love fine detail, are always looking around to see new things. If you're not smiling, you're deep in thought.

 And you're putting mommy to shame in the photogenic arena....that's for sure!

A First and a Last

It is mind boggling how much grief I got over wanting to trim Livi's hair. Her hair was starting to look unkept and disheveled and I decided to have it a little shaped and organized. I'm surprised there weren't picketers outside my house with "DON'T CUT HAIR...IT'S NOT FAIR" signs. Ridiculous. What's the big deal about cutting a babies hair....I don't get it.

I promplty ignored everyone's pleas.....like the free spirit I am and always will be....and off to the hair dresser we went, for her first hair cut!! She did amazingly well! Her stylist, Kiara, was beyond fantastic....already knowing what to do with her hair before I said a word. Livi was engaged in her toys and barely noticed her locks being clipped and it took what seemed like seconds. WOILA!!

What a little star she was!

We also went to Mom and Baby yoga to try a class....at the same place and same instuctor as my prenatal yoga. Boy am I glad I went. I almost didn't for a few reasons...going in the winter being one of them...it's not a cheap class either...and Livi does not do well being awake for more than one hour and it's a long class. But....we both really enjoyed it. She did get sleepy....after laughing her head off at the instructor...it was histarical....so she rolled over on the blanket and tried to sleep. She tried to nap on a blanket but it didn't work so she just got back into the class...which included massage for her at the end....her favorite part.

And as for what the "last" part of this post is....not a light topic....so I'll make it light and short. I had to dig my work computer out and download what I wanted to keep because it's going back for good....and I'm not. I watched it shutdown for the last time tonight, after almost 6 years of loving my time there. After a major downsize of head office and field force, I am no longer with my company (yes, they can do that) I did know cuts were coming, and secretly hoped it would be me to buy me more time at home with Livi with my severance, and open the door to other possibilities. There was one thing that never occured to me during this secret longing.....I woundn't have a job!! and my extra time with Livi would be laced with worry and looking for work. It was a difficult week but I went through the stages of grief fairly quickly. I see things a little clearer now. I am not letting my time with Livi be tainted by this, and not putting pressure on myself to re-invent myself now and find that new carreer I always wanted. This isn't the time. The goal is to get back to work around the same time I would have (April)......in a similar job to what I was doing. I would love another summer with Livi, but panic might start to set in by then. Get back into the biz, something comfortable and familiar for being-a-new-mom's sake....and spread my wings from there. I wanted to mention this here because I don't want to talk about it with those of you who I am in touch with. I have found peace and joy with this sudden change in plans....and have faith that what I've always wanted for my career is just around the corner. In any case, my family is first. Stef is being very supportive and Livi is just laughing about it all. I think I'll join her.

This one time.....at boat camp....

OK, so there was no boat camp for Livi, but there was boating and camping....along with some other excitement in her 5th month. (She is 5 months next Wednesday)

What I love about the 4th month:
- She reaches for things like they are all chocolate cake after not eating anything for 3 days
- She yelps, screaches, sings, and aaahhhhs like her voice is the most amazing thing she's discoverd (it is ooober cute)
- She loves to sit up and tries all the time....she can sit up from leaning forward, but no side control yet
- She learned to roll over from her tummy to her back finally....just when it looked like she never would....and the cutest thing is how she does it....she puts her arm back and tilts her head back and hopes gravity takes over....I swear she lingers there for a minute sometimes squeeling....OMG I can burst
- Her awareness of me and others is adult like....from smiles, laughter and simply watching what you're doing and wanting what ever you have in your hand
- Sharing my food....not formally introduced to solids yet, but I let her taste things on my finger....she loves everything
- She shows affection in her own sweet little way
 - AND FOR THE BEST PART......SHE FALLS ASLEEP ON HER OWN!!!

Some firsts for Livi:

Modeling for Gucci:

OK not Gucci....just me....but OMG I love that picture.

Her first Olympics were a nail biter:

Her first boat ride on mommy and daddies new boat was fun! she slept the whole time, until we docked...here she is under Grandpas's watchful eye in her cabana:

And she was a happy camper on her first camping trip....even figured out how to pull the pull toys...OMG that was hilarious....

She loved sitting around the fire and telling ghost stories. Literally. The sounds she was making would have complimented the best hair raisers. And we did lots of her favorite activity....looking up at the trees. This trip was also a turning point in Livi learning to fall asleep on her own, whithout any giggling, rocking, strolling, bouncing...ect. She was about to sleep on the mattress in the motorhome....and this mattress was foam and no spring for us to bounce her to sleep, so we tugged at the blanket she was laying on. That actually worked. By the end of the trip, I had placed her in ther tent so we could pack up and when I looked over again, she was sound asleep.

Mark today, August 30th...as day I had hoped and dreamed of in her sleep training. I put her in her crib for a nap and walked away. I checked on her a few minutes later and she was sleeping. I had no idea what that was like until now, and am so happy to not have had to force her with Ferber or similar crying methods. It is still a work in progress but our camping trip was a turning point and she did it by herself. I am so proud of her and a little ticked at myself for having put sooooo much pressure and stress on myself about how I'm going to train her. And I regret the stress I had put on her during a few naps when I was trying to train her. Apparently.....I need to learn to give her more credit. At 5 months, she has nothing short of blown our mind. This little tiny person can express so much with no words, has so much love in her little heart and is smarter than I could have ever imagined.....already she is teaching me a few things. "We'll figure it out mom....just have some patience...and trust me".

Pictures and Sleep Teaching

Sorry about not writing for so long...but July has been amazing and busy. Livi's Baptism was beautiful, with her Godmother and Father and their daughter coming from another Province, along with my Dad being here. The ceremony was like a little wedding, and the lunch was held at the classiest place in town. We truly loved it. That weekend was followed by my Sister in Law and niece staying with us for a week.....they were on their way to my parents' place (7 hours away from me) from Utah, and decided to make the 7 hour detour to come stay with us and meet Livi. It was wonderful to have them here...and of course, they adored her. A week later, they drove to my parents', and I flew there, to meet up with my brother who also drove up from Utah, but in a separate vehicle than his wife. That is a long but good story. So we had a mini family reunion (which is rare with my brother in Utah and me in the next province). I loved it very much. Livi was awesome on the plane....and thanks to everyone who gave tip and advice. It all worked out beautifully. When I check in to Westjet, I told them I was flying with her for the first time. They locked the two seats next to me so I would have the whole row to myself. AMAZING. I teared up when the lady did that. So Livi licked apple juice off my finger on the way up (she doesn't always take a bottle and never a soother), slept once we levelled out, woke up on descent and nursed on the way down. On the trip home, she latched on at take off, and feel asleep that way, nursing lightly in her sleep until landing and still sleeping until the elevator ride to meet Stef. Everyone helped with the stroller and settling me in. People and staff on planes are amazing when they see you with a baby. It's really cool. Here are some picture perfect moments:

Olivia's Baptismal dress and picture (how amazing is she) and yours truly took the picture. I taught hubby all he knows behind a camera :)

Posing for pictures on her special day

One with a smile too...

Mom and Dad

She slept through the whole ceremony, being rocked in my arms. Then was quite the model afterwards, during pictues. The personalized bracelett was given to her by our very own Jen from Jelly's Bean (who is now in her 2ww post transfer at CCRM.....praying for you my dear!)

While her Godparents and my dad were here, we went for a family walk around the lake. Her first time seeing geese....aaaawww  

First time flying....she's already a pro:

Meeting my birds at Grandma's house....the parrot was afraid of her and the lovebird wanted her toys....which is no suprise. He has 258 of his own, and it's not enough:

One of my friends that I used to Irish Dance with gave Livi her first pair of Irish Dancing soft shoes. Actually from Ireland, and an EXACT miniaure replica of the real thing. Padding and all. Now...she has NEVER noticed her feet, or even looked at them no matter what cool socks or shoes I had put on. Until now. Did I mention that she will be a dancer?

We went to a wedding at a lake front property at a dear friend's place. Livi upstaged the bride I'm afraid.... and she did AMAZING for a muggy, 30 degree C outdoor wedding with tonnes of strangers oogling her. Saw her first fireworks too!

Her laugh and smile continue to bust my heart at the seams......this one is for Grandpa, who lives for spending time with her:
 

 
July has been filled with joyful milestones. Full head control has made caring for her and interacting with her so much easier and safer. The first time she used her head to look up made me squeal with joy and laughter....especially when it was at a mirror above her swing. We live in a neighbourhood where the trees are so large, they canopy and touch above the street. She spends our walks looking up at them. Beautiful. The use of her hands and feet have completely floored me. She stomps my chest and face (on purpose) when I hover over her, plants her hands on my face when I kiss her, says "aaaahhhhh" back and forth with us, holds and pulls things to her face and mouth, and the most recent and endearing.....lets go of whatever she's holding to grab my hand, should it be nearby. Drop tear here.

And then there's sleep training. I call it sleep teaching, because that's what I intend on doing. I don't have a concern about Livi sleeping through the night, which all sleep training methods target. My concern is her being able to fall asleep without motion. We had to provide soothing motion of some sort for her so far because it provided a distraction from her belly pains so she could fall asleep. Now that's past and it's time to think about how to have her fall asleep without motion. I have researched and soul searched sleep training to a great extent and long into the night.....and is the reason I have not blogged all month. I've talked to everyone I know (Lisa....I even re-read your blogs from training L in January) and have come to a conclusion. Crying it out is not an option for us....especially after trying it for a nap once. Not doing it. But, if she is not taught how to drift off without motion by 6 months, we will have no choice. So I have agonized over how I'm going to teach her. I did not have a concrete plan until today. It is a method I created and got the idea for out of the blue, while strolling her to sleep at Chapter's Book store today. Stef sat in the nursery with me while I tried it for the first time today, at nap time. It worked. But it was the first time, and is a method that may or may not have progress....which is the key in any sleep training method. But it actually provides the opportunity for her to teach herself to fall asleep, without being left to cry. I will be happy to share details should it succeed......for a price.... MMUUUUAAAHHHAAAA.

LOL

Hold up your favorite summer beverage.....Here's to Livi......for a beautiful July and an August filled with lots of sunshine, tree filled walks, friends and family who love her, more awesome milestones, and beauty sleep on her terms, with no tears.