I have not really been one to wine to people about feeling down, and I know better than to do that on an infertility blog where my followers have suffered multiple miscarriages and failed cycles. I'm better with coming to my friends with an actuall issue to analize, narrow in on and attack with new outlooks, attitudes and solutions. I don't really have one. I wish I could say it was the waiting for the genetic testing, more than two years of this, letting go of having boy/girl twins ( I saw their faces in my dreams), having only one shot at having a child of our own flesh and blood (depending on genetic testing of course) , not being ready for plan B to be child free like we've always agreed on, the dramatic fluctuations of hormones, or the lately not-so-strict-low-carb diet in preparation for Italy in exactly three weeks tomorrow (OMG). I do know this:
I have lost my mind. I desperately want to open up an alcohol swab and take in that smell of preparing for an injection. I would do it, but then I'd have to have myself checked in. I miss the feeling of doing something about this, even if it freaking truly is sticking a sharp object into myself, for the love of God. I miss being engaged in my life, where very second was one closer to getting on the plane to Denver.
And if I hear more story about some couple who who went for IVF twice and it didn't work and then they got pregnant on their own....I'll freak right out. What part of "blockage" don't they get. I just politely smile.....listen to the SECOND time they tell me the same freaking story, and say again..."well, that's nice for them, but that will never be us, you see, WE CANT HAVE KIDS!!!! it's not that we are having trouble, or it's unexplained, or IVF is a way to speed up the process, no, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!. Why don't people get that.
The best advice so far has been the ever simple and forever resignating: "what is meant to be, will be". I have always believed in destiny before.....that's been a challenge lately.
My hubby tried to cheer me up by insisting to take me to the premier of "RIO", a 3D animated Parrot movie. He supports his "bird lady" wife by loving her birds (that took two years and an awesome lovebird "Chico") and becoming somewhat of a bird lover himself. Oh good...just what I needed....a tear jerking movie about birds in a theater full of little kids. Good movie, but because we have a parrot we found it sad. I came home and woke up my parrot to apologize for contributing to the parrot trade and ripping him away from his natural habitat. I don't cage my birds and they are fully flighted, but still. I don't get how people think it's OK to keep something that flies in a cage with it's wings clipped. Because the pet stores do? We're the animals.
I call our one blast "my shining star". Why? In our last cycle in Calgary, 3/8 embryos made it to day 3. A week ago in Denver, 4/4 embryos made it to day 3. Which tells me two things...we really did do better in Denver. The accupucture, swallowing an open fistfull of herbs everynight and the clinic itself improved our embryo count from 38% to 100%. The second thing it tells me, is that something happend on day 4. Eventhough they made it that far, all embryos died with the expection of this one. I hope it's because it wants to come home with us. That shinning star is the only light I carry right now.
Hey Iveta. I totally get the same frustrations about people that tell us oh well even though IVF was a success for you maybe your next one will be natural (they don't know the IVF was DE) and I say uhm no...no that will never ever happen. I mean for me, a natural pregnancy would be terror filled as I am a carrier of two genetic diseases that cause abnormalities in babies and most miscarry or die in later stages of pregnancy or infancy from what the geneticists (plural!!) have told us. And it was also SOO my plan to be childfree if we couldn't have bio kids and when that venture leads to a brick wall a primal instinct took over and thus the reason we went to the lengths we did for this pregnancy. But one thing us IFers are, are HOPE JUNKIES. See shooting up with IVF drugs, the next plan, doing something that will bring us closer to the HOPE of a baby is addicting. I knew this going in and well, you're not alone. We're all junkies for hope and when we're not doing anything that very millisecond towards the goal we turn anxious, nervous, scared, fearful. Take care Iveta...you are nothing but "normal" and only an IFer could ever understand.
ReplyDeleteHi Iveta, your feelings and frustrations are totally understandable. Even though my case is 'unexplained' and there always is, therefore, that hope that it could happen naturally, I am constantly surprised by the insensitive comments made by others - like 'why don't you adopt' - my natural inclination is to respond 'I don't know, why don't you?' although, of course, I have never said it. People who haven't had to go through this just have no idea what it's like. It's gut wrenching and life altering. Hang in there and take care if yourself.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love how much you love your birds - I am a HUGE animal lover and have such admiration for people who love and respect animals.
Ugh, those insensitive comments seriously make me LIVID at this point in my journey. I mean, c'mon, at least TRY to think about what you're saying if you were in the IFers shoes. Ridiculous. I'm planning on "coming out" on FB this NIAW - the education is just SO sorely needed.
ReplyDeleteI think your shining start is going to be a baby in your arms before you know it. Thinking of you!!
Your feelings are completely valid. Although some women do have an explanation for their infertility, it still is inexplicable why we are the "chosen ones" and frustrating that we have to put our hopes and dreams into doctors, nurses, drugs, needles and a process that we can only scratch the surface to understand. Now that you are in this "waiting period" you have relinquished control again. Thank you for allowing us to come along on your amazing journey. It is truly an honor!
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