The 80's band Glass Tiger had a song called "The Thin Red Line". Remember? The first line of the song goes "the hands of time have spoken". Well, they sure have for us.......for the the thin PINK line anyways. It was just confirmed that I will be in Denver at the end of March, with my cycle beginning on March 6th. The reality of this being our second and only shot at having kids really daunted me today. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that course of my life will be determined by me nervously walking up to a white stick and counting the number of lines on it. One or two. If you really think about it.....that is a bizarre way of charting your direction in life. But that's what this will boil down to. During our cycle in Calgary, we knew that we were going to try twice so I never thought about this. Now the second time is here and the finality of it is weighing very heavy. In the meantime, I am focusing on doing this right. I need to lose some weight before I go, as fast on the heels of pumping myself with horomones is a three week trip to pasta heaven...Rome. So let's start behind the 8-ball ladies. Also, I will be on the birth control pill, 5 injected hormones, a steroid, and an antibiotic in March so I will be turning to yoga and accupucture to encourage sanity to stick around. One of my fellow CCRMers gave me a box of her left over syringes and needles...hey what are friends for right?....turns out I will be needing all of them and more....I checked out the needle length.....why did I do that?...and I spent some time this weekend literally labling the tops of all my drugs and clearing a drawer in my dresser for the needles, as this time I'll be injecting at home....morning and night.....yey!! The C train in Calgary and the port-a-potty at Cirque du Soleil were over the top places to have to take my meds.
As my thoughts drift back to the stick with the lines on it......I just don't like the feeling that I don't get to chose. The stick does. All I can do is get ready for either count. One or two. One....we travel and pursue our career goals....Two....a whirlwind of all that parenthood brings...I consider myself lucky either way. And that road forks on March 6th.
Keep your chin up and stay positive. (though I know from experience it is very, very hard) I am keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteChristy
The feelings/fears you've posted here are very familiar to me. I too feel like this is our last stop on this crazy train. I think that's why I procrastinated in setting up our initial phone consult with CCRM. It just feels so final and scares the heck out of me because if this doesn't work... Hang in there Iveta - it's scary for sure but just try and stay positive. I'll be thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI loved the last paragraph of this post... as much as we all want to see 2 lines, it's good to remember that it won't destroy us if we don't get that dream. That's what I keep focusing on - I can travel more! Excel in my job! ... both possible with children, but not nearly as easily. That being said, I pray every night that we all get our 2nd pink line. Thinking of you..
ReplyDeleteI am sooo ready for this to get started for you...will be here every step of the way!
ReplyDeleteVery excited for you!!! LOVE the title of this blog entry--yes, it's scary to proceed with this attempt, but consider it the first day of the rest of your life! Can't wait to follow along!
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