(100th post) The Point is....

Exactly that. The Point. We are put in this world to fend for ourselves as far as communication goes. We learn a language based on no language at all, and from the beginning, it's trial and error in hopes of being understood. There is no mistaking the point. There is no mistaking what it's pointing to and what it means. Accompanied with with a smile, it means "look....that's interesting"....accompanied with a moan it means "I want that"...accompanied with looking under the couch, it means "my toy fell under there....can you get it?". Once the point is granted its wish, there is much joy....for both the pointer and the pointee. This is the beginning of communication....a conversation...of an attempt at being heard....without saying anything at all....and I swear it takes all I have not to chew on that sweet little finger when it sets its sights on her ball under her crib, on the broccoli on the counter, on the grapes in the shopping cart, on the balloons at the dollar store, at the geese in the park, other people's ice cream cones, her blankie on the chair......and at me, mommy, when she's crying in dad's arms after tripping on the driveway.

Official 15 month photos:

and from Stef's parents' annual July 1st BBQ:

here's the one from last year

At 15 months, here is what we can't get enough of:
You smiling sheepishly, almost embarrassed when we kiss in front of you. Then you want a kiss....and always get one. We race for it.
The way you extend your arm and show what ever you're holding in your hand.....a toy or a snack....to people passing by at the park. Today you held out a toy to a Canada Goose swimming in the water. It seemed intrigued.
The way you chatter in your own little language non stop. It's even consistent. Sounds nothing like ours, but you say the same thing when you greet people or when you find something interesting. It is the sweetest sound to our ears.
You are starting to do funny, silly things and know it, by smiling and looking for a reaction. You love to play games.....that reminds me....we haven't played hide and seek for a while.
Your love of ice cream. I got you mini drum sticks....just your size. Yesterday you tripped on the driveway holding one. You cried more than usual.....obviously more upset and concerned about the status of your drum stick than your knees or elbows. The intact ice cream sure wiped the tears off your little face.
No dolls or stuffed toys for you! Nope. Your favorite toys are balls...any balls...and you have all shapes and sizes now....and any complicated gadget you can get your hands on. I don't know how...but you know what objects can be opened, and you always try, with a frustrated sound if you can't.....and then you hand it to me for help, all excited to get at what's inside. Even if it's my lip balm.....I cave.
You play little flutes or a toy harmonica by putting your mouth on it and making the sound yourself. It kills us every time.
The way you try to open the freezer (bottom of fridge) 10 times a day.....hoping to get at my home made organic orange popsicles or an ice cube to lick until the real stuff comes along. You stand there, grunting and whining, pulling on the handle, until one of us comes along and either gives in or carries you away, kicking.
Your sweet and happy disposition, smiling or laughing most of the time.
You are always up for anything and love to socialize. You go up to people and touch them to get their attention. You like other kids and always greet them with your special vocabulary. Some interest you more than others.....I guess it's just like adults....we click with some people and some not.
You love the water....it's been hot lately and you've given up on our daily visits to the hot tub....but not a day passed without you trying to lift the lid of it in the back yard every morning and protesting when I carried you away. We're going to the pool today......and this time.... you won't need to point at all the other kids' beach balls and water guns. Mommy got you your very own.

As for my report card.....I get a B minus in the sleep department. I think I take good care of Livi....I will admit...staying home and being responsible for her every need, developmental and educational opportunities, fun and entertainment.....with my own personal goals and keeping up with proper nutrition for all of us ( we all have different diets) along with shopping and house work can be alot on my plate some days....so when three teeth came in at the same time, I threw in the towel and nursed her into all her naps (three a day at that time). Prior to this, Livi was able to put herself to sleep without any intervention from me. Last year at this time, when she needed motion to sleep (rocking, stroller, car, etc) I was panicked about how I will get her to sleep on her own. Turns out that as soon as she could roll over, she put herself to sleep by sucking on her sleeve. I took it a step further and gave her a breathable blankie when she laid down, and she just devoured it all the way to lala land. I was so happy to have found a system that let her sleep on her own without making her cry. That lasted for a long time.....and now that system needs repair and I am panic stricken again. I took for granted that she will always use that blankie to put herself to sleep at any time....I was wrong. When those last three teeth came in a the same time (including two molars) she was so distraught, I nursed her into her naps....then we both got used to the comfort, ease and convenience. Now too used to it. I've tried to put her down without nursing her and she looks at me like I'm nuts, throws her blankie aside and begins to cry. Coupled with the fact that she is more mobile and is starting to get on all fours and sit up from laying down, she does gymnastics and doesn't stop crying.  There is also a need to get her out of our bed and back into her crib for naps due to safety reasons..... a double whammy. So I'm back to square one. And kicking myself to the point where I'm the one losing sleep now. The starting point I have is that she still uses that blankie to put herself BACK to sleep when she's woken up during a nap or early morning. I would not have any issue with any of this if I was not going to be going back to work....but that might be around the corner and I can't have her set up for disaster like this. Perhaps a nanny would do a better job than I think of putter her to sleep, as Livi only associates nursing with me, but I can't count on that. I did learn a big lesson last year when I went through this the first time and I need to remember it: "I have to give Livi more credit in helping me figure this out and try lots of ways with much patience" and like I tell her when she gets uspet needlessly, "There's no need to cry".

This is my 100th post, writing about wanting, having and celebrating Little Livi. I thank all of you....if you've read only a few or all 100 of them. Every post is special to me and will be for Livi when she's older. Thank you for following our journey. It's been an honor having you along.

A promise kept

A year ago I blogged about a cultural event that takes place every first weekend in June. 22 cultures either rented a space or opened up their own building to the public for the weekend, serving their delicacies and entertaining their guests with their brand of song and dance. Last year we took Livi to the Irish Pavilion (a curling rink in the winter.....big) and I told her that she will watch mommy dance here one day. Little did I know it would only be a year later. I started dancing with the Irish Club again in September after a 6 year pause to dance with another group and to have Livi. It was unexpected....and a result of somewhat of a dare from a friend and fellow dancer.

I almost quit in January......for many of the same reasons I quit 6 years ago....but that promise I made to Livi haunted me. The thought of her seeing me on stage, as whispered and hoped a year before, made me see the year through. My dad came in for the weekend to take in the festivities and to help with Livi. I'm so happy I made this come true.



My number one fan




Boogieing to the music at stage front.




The one on the right

As for a little update:

We have 11!!! teeth. Her first molars came in early so she had her first pecan tonight. Nibbled very slowly and loved it. Two upper molars and a bottom front tooth came in at the same time so we have had to resort to a cocktail of Advil and Gravol to help to get to sleep and stay that way for a little while.  

Livi is walking and trotting beautifully  (yey!!) I love her Independence.....and that she doesn't stray too far. She still wants to be picked up alot....I made an entire banana cake with her on my hip last week. She is very curious, loves to carry things, especially new things, around the house and tell everyone all about it. Her little chatter just kills me....I can't get enough. She talks like she's having a conversation....all in her little adorable language. I wish I can bottle it.

Her favorite things to do are play hide and seek, play in the back yard, go to the park, hang out on the boat with me and Stef, and when Grandpa's in town, she loves all his attention. Here they are at gymnastics



Hanging 5 on the boat!

She's a great eater.....and loves the once weekly Italian dinners at nonna's. Did I mention her love of ice cream? yes, a seasoned pro....even gets her own baby cone now and licks it like an adult. Too much!!

The cute meter went off the charts when I showed her how to make the cork popping sound by flicking the inside of your cheek with the index finger really fast. She repeated me by putting her finger in her mouth, pulling it out really fast and yelling BAH!. Truly pee your pants kind of stuff.

Sleep on the other hand has become a challenge....and although Livi never has tantrums....mommy had one in the middle of the night last night. I want to apologize....once again....I was the baby in the relationship and poor Livi looked at me, in full blown tears, as if I was insane. She just couldn't sleep and it wasn't her fault. Part of the problem is that her routine is havoc right now. She has gone from 4 naps a day to 2 in a few short weeks and neither one of us can get it together. Every day is different and when I have a hard time reading her tired cues or getting her to take a nap and therefore can't plan my day or our activities together, I get frustrated.....made worse at 1:30 am. But it's a small little hurdle. I just need to focus on this right now and get into a rhythm again.

Everyday is a joy. We're busy but we spend time together and make time for fun. I look at her and my brain still does not register how this sweet, amazing, wonderful, smart, incredible, beautiful girl is mine. How did we get here? How is all this possible. I just thank God that it is.



A bunch of firsts, by Livi

Did you see that commercial where the mom takes away the iPhone from the techy baby surfing in his crib? and then comes back and takes away the iPad too? hilarious. But that's what will happen to me if my mom catches me on her iPad, so I better make this quick. She's been too busy to blog so I gotta do it. She's making me supper right now....steamed veggies and fish. My favorite. Really! well....ice cream is....but that's a close second.

You shoulda been at my first birthday party! I had two cakes! One for me and one for my guests. I had fun digging into my very own first cake. Strawberry with coconut icing. We all went out to a fun kids indoor playground kinda place. Here are some pictures and ones of me and my mom too.

So about the walking thing....I've been on my feet since before Christmas, but someone had to hold my hands, and eventually, I just wanted one hand held. A month before my birthday, I took my first few steps into mom and dad's and grandpa's arms. But it wasnt untill just two weeks ago that I tackled mom on the front lawn and startled her. At the benigging of May we all went to a place called Vancouver so my dad could run a ridiculously long time...I think it's called a marathon....and give me a medal! I was running around the hotel room by then and it was so much fun. I would chase my mom and then she would chase me...and then my dad would come around the corner and I'd run the other way. We had lots of fun in Vancouver. It was my first time on a beach (I LOVED the sand), in the ocean, on a swing, I saw mountains and even touched a snake. It was freaky. Here's some pictures of our trip!

My dad's marathon medal - May 5th

I wanted to go in, but no one let me!

 I love bark. Tress in general. Mom calls me a tree hugger

Stanley Park

View from our balcony

Oh and did I tell you? I'm in Gymnastics! I do really good too. I listen to the teacher and do my best. I walked on the balance beam the very first class!! I still don't crawl, so I can't go under things, but boy I like to motor around with all the other kids. My favorite part is the trampoline. I really really like to bounce. The foam pit is fun too. I like it when all the kids are in the toy corner. I join them and learn to share. I'm not in daycare yet, so I don't see other kids much. Boy... some are nice, and some are yard apes. Right?



I am speding lots of time outside right now. When we get up, I stand by the door like a puppy. Mom says something about breakfast, and shoes, and boring things like that. I mean, I just want to get in the back yard and eat acorns in bare feet. Is that too much to ask? Mom and dad got one of those snazy CX1 Chariots too. Since dad likes to run and mom is getting back at it, I've been in it lots. Went as a trailier for a bike ride too! Sometimes I like to look at all the cool things passing me by and fall asleep....other times I'd rather be sleeping at home, so I let it be known. My mom got me my own swing suspended from the tree, a sand box, a kitchen, we have a hot tub, a boat....I just can't wait for all the fun!

My mom is at home with me still, and keeps telling everyone that she is taking the summer off to have it with me. Yet, I know she struggles with that, worried that "The perfect job" will come up and pass her by during the summer, or that there won't be any good jobs for her to apply for in the fall. I also know that when I'm napping, she surfs and checks out what's going on out there. I try to tell her that the perfect job would not be perfect if she had to take it now. She wanted more time with me and she got it.....she just has to trust that once she's ready, her career will still be there....and better than before. Relax mom! this is what we wanted! Let's play in the yard....my sand box, my swing, my hammock, my kitchen...it's all there. You bring your spritzer and I'll bring my sippy cup. Then we'll trade. Ha Ha.

I like to talk about all kinds of stuff. Everyone seems to understand what I'm saying so I'll just keep it up. My mom goes bisirk when I practice my constanents and say MaMa....not sure why. She keeps tearing up, pointing to herself and saying it back. Is it just me.....or is she a little weird.

I should get going before I get caught. So far, I've been pretending to be playing on the iPad, looking dazed. But she's going to catch on any minute. And I think my brocolli is up. See you all later! Here are my official 1st year photos. My birthday was April 5th. Going to be 14 months soon! where does the time go.

All Roads Lead to Romania

This a true story about friendship, motherhood and saying good bye

"There she is" I thought when I turned the corner. I had been on the lookout for her and finally saw her. She was the woman I had seen walking a twin stroller everyday in my neighbourhood when I was pregnant. It was May, Livi was less than two months old and it had finally gotten nice enough to start going for walks. And I had hoped to run into her. She had a head of thick raven black hair, olive complexion and wore styles telling of the old country. I wondered where she was from, knowing she must be a grandmother, here for a short time to help with the twins. She had a devoted, determined way about the way she walked those kids everyday. The more often I saw her, the more curious I became. And there she was...only a block ahead of me now. She was doing a good clip herself so it took a few blocks to catch up. Our sidewalks are wide enough for only one stroller, so I was on the road. "Hi" I called out to her when we were side by side. She looked at me, returned my social grace, looked ahead and resumed her daily walk. I was disappointed. She didn't want to chat for only one of two reasons, I thought. She was not interested in making friends while she was here, or the more likely, didn't speak English. Being a European immigrant, I am naturally curious about other Europeans which she very apparently was. I was dying to know from where....perhaps close to the Czech Republic where I grew up. When she had to cross the road, I pushed my stroller up to hers and motioned that I would like to see the kids she was strolling, as one last effort to reach out. Twin boys, fraternal, one year older than Livi. She looked inside my bassinet and was thrilled to see a girl. "Elena" she introduced herself....."Romania". And there it was. "No English" she said with a smile. I waved my hand and said "Czechoslovakian". And so we walked together. Our chatter took off with the the flavor of two old friends getting to know each other again. By the time we got to the next block, I learned that the boys were her son's and the result of IVF. One try in Calgary didn't work, so they went to Denver. And here they are. Michael and Lukas. I burst out laughing, telling her that was my journey with Olivia, exactly. What were the chances. Turns out she knew more English than she bashfully let on, and between my Slavic roots, the Italian I recently learned and the French I remember from school, we were able to get along just fine. She was here for six months, hopefully extended to one year, to babysit the twins. Her and her husband were living with her son and his wife who have been in Canada for 7 years and are both Engineers. In Romania was her other son and his wife who have a little boy and were expecting. A mother of two boys and a grandmother of three boys, "Espiro" a girl she said with a smile. When we strolled by her house to say good bye, she put her hand on her chest and said "my pleasure". I saw her walking again the next day when I drove to the store. She stopped me and handed me an adorable bonnet she crocheted for Olivia the night before. She was special, like I had always known. And so began a friendship that completely altered everything I thought I knew about motherhood, friendship and myself.

 The summer was filled with friendly knocks on my door with offerings of fresh vegetables from her garden, or something she baked or knitted, followed by a stroll with the kids under the canopy of trees in our neighbourhood. I would often stop by her place after Livi's morning nap, enjoying Romanian hospitality shaded by an enormous apple tree in their yard. (She saw me picking the apples off the branches, and started bringing apples over everyday). Livi would nap or watch the boys play in silent wonder. I would bring my iPad along, packing a Romanian Translator app, to help with the gossip. I was so tickled by that language. Knowing a Slavic and a Romantic language enabled me to understand a good chuck of what she said, as Romanian is partly both. Lacing as much as she could with English and using more animation than normal, we never had a problem getting each other. As a matter of fact, the effort of understanding and being understood was a very welcome challenge and in part a core reason why our friendship was so much fun. I enjoyed learning as much Romanian as I could and sat back in wonder at how much English she worked at absorbing. People wondered how it is that we could be friends when there is such a language barrier. Funny....I have a much worse language barrier with some people who speak perfect English. We got each other, and shared many laughs, sometimes, with only one word spoken.

Then the hammer fell. During the summer Elena announced to me, very sadly, that her son will be separating. It's amicable and will happen in the fall when he finds a place to live. She will live with him to help with the boys while her husband goes back to Romania at the end of September and will wait there for her return the following March (now). After a family dispute that ended badly in early September, the separation was on. Elena, her son and husband moved out of the house and into a two bedroom basement apartment also not far from where I live. This new arrangement posed much disappointment and heart ache for Elena, as she was stuck in a basement apartment by herself all day, no longer watching the boys full time...only on weekends....and she could no longer walk over for a leisurely visit. It was too far in the cold. But somehow....we made it work.

They didn't have a phone line, so winter was spent planning one visit at a time, either ahead of time, texting her son or calling her neighbour. She would romance me with that old fashioned European cooking that I miss so much. We even exchanged a couple of choice recipes. After lunch, I'd take her shopping or running errands with Livi and I. I loved her company and she was brilliant with Livi, who was always over the moon to see her. She treated Livi like her own, always full of hugs, kisses and loving chatter in Romanian. Livi would smile, laugh and give herself to Elena as freely as she did to me or Stef. When the three of us were together, she had Livi under her wing the whole time. . A retired kindergarten teacher and a grandmother of infant twins, she had AMAZING energy, patience and tenacity with kids. I wish I could play with Livi the way she does......she had an incredible imagination. It wasn't long until we simply felt like family. She often told me that I am like a daughter to her..... and an angel....someone sent to her to be a friend and help her cope with the hardship her situation here had become. I felt the same way...it was wonderful to have fun with a friend and help with Livi at the same time.

I introduced her to the many joys of living in a Canadian town, including ethnic cuisine (which includes Starbucks). "Interesant" she gave a nod to her butter chicken while enjoying Indian food for the first time at 61 years old. Being a genius with a crochet hook, I got her some work crocheting hats and mitts for two childrens' stores. She liked the extra money, which she was quick to spend at Value Village on the boys. It's basically a large indoor garage sale, where the items are donated by the general public....people too busy to have their own garage sale. A place of wonder for her, as garage sales don't exist in Romania. She called it "Vilue Village" and we went every Tuesday, because of the senior's discount. I admit......I started having fun there. Livi loved all the stuff to look at and as for clothes, shoes and toys for kids...it was amazing what people dropped off. Sometimes practically new stuff, for next to nothing. The dollar store was also a frequented stop. We had a good laugh at Dollarama at Christmas time. She picked up a festive place mat, pointed to Santa Clause and said "Santa Clock". It's an inside joke til today. For Christmas, I got her a coffee cup with clocks on it. To remember Santa Clock and her time with Livi and I.

I'll never forget the time she introduced Livi to chocolate. Lindt Chocolate. We couldn't even get the wrapper out of her hand for an hour.

Shortly before she left, we Skyped her family back in Romania and it was apparent how much she missed them and how happy she will be to be back home....and to see the granddaughter she had 4 months ago...Suria. It made me feel better about saying good-bye, but it didn't make it easier. A week ago, Livi and I joined her family to say our farewells at the airport. I have been in denial about her absence all week, keeping busy with all the things Livi and I love to do together. Every time I see her on Skype now, I realize how far away she it, what she meant to us, and how much I miss her. She is my friend, and Livi's little buddy. She always calls Livi her 'dolce'....her sweet.

The boobie trap and other addictions

False alarm. Thank goodness. My previous post was panic stricken over the possibility of Livi self weaning herself when in fact is was the birth control pill I was on for just one day....it had turned her off. I can't believe how one tiny tablet can change so much in one's body....and my baby's desire to breastfeed. No more pill....and back to dealing with that pesky monthly visitor who over stays her welcome. Don't care....Livi and I are back on track. She is sick with a cough right now and being able to nurse her when she can't sleep and is feeling icky, knowing she's getting the nutrition she needs when she doesn't want to eat, her falling asleep in my arms....so happy to be able to give her that.

As for other updates:

We have three teeth....the third one on top surprised me! got a glimpse of it during a diaper change and freaked out. Had no idea it was there. She had been smacking but no previous signs of teething...
Her two favorite things in the world are the same as Daddy's two favorite things in the world: Dairy Queen ice cream and Granny Smith apples. Serious. Stef eats two a day and Livi freaks out when he doesn't share. It was cute at the beginning:

But now it's out of control. She grabs, steal and swipes them whenever she can, dangerously getting a piece of the apples' skin in her mouth a few times. So, every night when daddy has one, Livi gets her very own, skinned, Granny Smith:

Her other addiction is walking. NOT ONE person ever talked to me about this. The process of how they learn to walk. I am fascinated by how gradual and methodical it is. Takings MONTHS from being able to stand while held, to standing on their own leaning on something, to being able to put one foot in front of the other while being held, to leading YOU around the house while holding your hands. Currently, Livi reaches out for our hands, knowing she needs support and walks from interesting place to interesting place in the house (had no idea each corner and crevice in the house had its own magic) She is now able to walk holding only one hand

It truly is the sweetest thing....she loves to talk and sing as she pitter patters around. I have no idea when she will take her first step on her own....again....no one ever talks about this process. As well, all babies are different. She can stand on her own for a second before losing her balance....so who knows. Maybe by her birthday in early April.

Her favorite hang out is her crib, where she can stand, walk around and play with the books in her bookcase.



Our favorite stop on the daily house tour is.....her other addiction....her shoe collection:

Shoe "pic" of the month:



Where did we get these little numbers? The savvy mommy never tells.

The heart is behind the breast

I lost it today. Before I had my baby and truly appreciated all that breastfeeding brought to my life just even from an emotional aspect, I had NO IDEA what women were talking about, using words like "sad" when describing their weaning experience.

I'm not sad....I'm certifiable. Someone should lock me up. I actually got upset with Livi tonight for rejecting me and let her cry in her crib for a while.....walking away angry, frustrated and feeling rejected of all stupid things. It wasn't long before she was in my arms again but the whole thing was just not very mature. Even though she still nurses alot during the night, she has been weaning herself VERY gradually from her daytime feedings. Starting with keeping all her feedings but only one breast, to cutting down some feedings all together, to now....not taking the breast at all as part of her night time routine. That shocked me and left me helpless. She's crying, frustrated that on one hand, something is missing at the moment, but on the other, she is rolling away from me on the bed where we read a book and nurse before sleep. We were both very upset. That's when I, being more of a child than she is, tried to force the feed and sulked when I didn't get my way. Sorry Livi...mommy needs to get a grip.

Breastfeeding to every mother is as individual as the people and the babies themselves. No one will ever feel about it or have the same experience as anyone else. More importantly, I have learned, to never judge. From women who prefer not to breastfeed to those who do so until preschool....it's no one's business. Livi is cutting me off.....not the other way around. I don't think I would ever be able to do it. I feared her being weaned as a natural consequence to me being back at work later on....it looks like I may not have to worry about that.

There is one shred of hope. Something I've noticed.....Livi backs off from nursing when I have my period.....she must sense the hormonal shift and does not like it as much. I went on the pill today. It hit me like a tonne of Tampax. I went on the pill in the middle of my cycle to alter my period time......I am hoping she picked up on the hormone and got turned off because of it. Her rejection today was much stronger than in recent days.....and her cutting back is usually way more gradual than this.

Here's hoping to a night of nursing as usual and to a better tomorrow....pill free....it's not worth it to me. Heavy periods or not.....during two upcoming vacations....who cares. Women all over the world do it...I bet someone will be having their period at the Oscars....I'll be fine. I'm not ready to lose some of my favorite moments with her just so I don't have to attend to my secret purse compartment at the airport.

The wonder of breastfeeding is hard to describe. I think we get caught up in the words "breast" and "feeding" and can't see it for what it is.....at least to me. It's more than just the nutrition of the milk for her, the peace we feel, the relaxation after a busy day or the grace of feeling her fall asleep. It's the surrender...the vulnerability of it. That feeling that only her and I know....it's ours. And I'm not ready to let it go even though she is. At 10 months, he has a mind and life of her own. My first hard truth as a mother.

IVF - Paying it Forward

Ask me how many times I was told "You should write a book" by those who know of our IVF journey. My own husband was insistent. This came mostly from those in my life who are familiar with my ability to put word on paper, so I took it more as a compliment than anything. But I did have a strong need to "give back" in some way. If there is possibly anything better thing than having a child, it's having a child after you feared you never would. In some cases, for years. The IVF path in an enormously painful and stressful one. Fear and hope battle against each other every second of every day and it's a constant effort to remain sane. So I built a website(blog) for first time IVF patients. I remember what it was like to start the IVF process and how incredibly naive, clueless and scared I was. There were so many things I didn't know and wish I had. I worked many hours into the night on this one....hoping it would help someone the way I wish I had been helped. It is a simple resource that is not sponsored by a fertility clinic or medical company. Please forward it onto anyone you know who is starting out or is thinking about IVF, and if you have a chance to take a look, please feel free to give me feedback of any kind, especially if you feel something should be added or changed. (Thanks to Jen and husband K who helped to make it more visible on the net. It worked!)

ivfexplained.blogspot.ca